Hello, Pool Players! We’re back tonight with a new episode of Survivor! Alas, there won’t be a full-on, 1,000+ word recap this week. Perhaps in the coming days this space will be occupied with… something… but for now you’ll have to savor your sea slug craving on some other website. Sorry! We promise to be back next week with all the Malolo-voting-out you can handle. Seriously, is this tribe doomed or what? At least Michael made a safe play with his idol this week. Here’s to hoping the next few votes bring a little bit more drama, or else this season will end up as dull as Jenna at Ghost Island. Jenna! You know Jenna! She went to Ghost Island! Also this episode featured the grand return of the gross food challenge, which is good news for those of you who like seeing other peoples tongues (you know who you are). Next time on Survivor: might there be a Malolo uprising? Probably not, but tune in and we’ll find out together!
Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s another Wednesday and time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Dom was in control when he engineered the ouster of the boorish Bradley. Dom also had the Legacy Advantage, a Hidden Immunity Idol, and a longtime nemesis in Chris, the hunky male model with a pronunciation problem. The Dom versus Chris storyline has been going on for so long across so many different tribe swaps that it basically has it’s own cinematic universe, complete with spin-offs, sequels, prequels, and a line of novelty lunch boxes. We don’t even get a bye-bye to Bradley as this week begins with the boats rounding up the Survivors for the merge. Yes, the merge! Even though it seems like we barely know some of these losers it’s already time to bunch them together and then pick them off, one-by-one. While Kellyn can’t wait for the merge, Dom is a little more hesitant since he’ll be reunited with his “boy” Chris. IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW these two gentlemen do not get along, and they’re all ready to tell you all about it. Dom says that he feels safe with his four-way alliance of Donathan, Laurel, and Wendell – and while Dom calls that an alliance they’re really just unrelated people who have happened to vote with him in the past. Chris says that he’s not worried about Dom, and then recites a poem / rap where he compares himself to Lebron James. Chris probably couldn’t even make the practice squad of the Washington Generals, so a Lebron comparison is a bit of a stretch. Luckily there’s the merge feast to calm things down. Everyone sits around a table and chows down before Kellyn says “The next step is we eat each other!” I have always wondered why there was a barbershop over Kellyn’s meat pie business, but, hey, good pies!
Everyone gets shiny new black buffs, and when Chris unwraps his he finds a surprise. Yes, Chris has randomly been selected to get the clue for an idol, which it turns out is hidden at Ghost Island. Chris will need to slip away to Ghost Island UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS to go get the idol, which may alert suspicion from his tribe. Chris is of course going to do this, and chuckles at his newfound advantage. Meanwhile, Wendell and Dom just want to stay Naviti strong for at least one vote, which would mean convincing Chris to vote with them and getting rid of a Malolo. Wendell says that he will be the mediator between Dom and Chris as they host some sort of cold war summit. Wendell says that he wants to resolve this peacefully instead of going to nukes, which, timely! Wendell convenes a meeting of the minds, where he and Dom ask Chris if Chris will vote with them against Libby, Jenna, or Michael. Chris can’t commit to this, and can’t even agree to anything Dom and Wendell offer. Dom and Wendell vow to vote Chris out, and Chris says that, “they were pitching me B.S. but I’m too suave for that,” except he pronounces “suave” like “José.” Chris is an actual cartoon character. He’s the closest we’ve ever had to Johnny Bravo on this show except without the wit or nuance. Chris is the perfect combination of being both full of himself and completely un self-aware. He is definitely not sua-vé.
It’s the middle of the night! Chris wakes up and sneaks away to Ghost Island. Chris says that he was ready to go since he went to sleep “strapped up” with his shoes on. Either Chris doesn’t know what “strapped up” means or his shoes are the kind with the big velcro straps since making those bunny ears was just too dang hard. Chris takes a boat to a pretty-cool-looking torchlit Ghost Island where he is gifted with JT’s unused idol from Game Changers. JT’s idol from Game Changers! You remember Game Changers! You remember when JT was on Game Changers! You remember when JT found an idol on Game Changers! We all do! In any event, Chris has the idol, but it comes with a catch. The JT idol can only be used at the next Tribal Council unless Chris is willing to play a game of chance to give it power at subsequent Tribal Councils. Taking the risk and failing will cause Chris to lose his vote at the next Tribal Council. Chris unlocks this power by making a 50/50 choice between two different boxes. If you’re keeping score at home you may think this sounds like a little game called “Deal or No Deal” and you would be correct. Since Chris is “pretty clutch” he decides to take the risk, which pays off in the first round, giving his idol power for an additional week, but then bellyflops in the second round, losing his vote for the next Tribal Council. Chris is still pretty thrilled, though, since he has the idol for two Tribal Councils, so there’s no way anything bad will happen to him in the first. Right? Right??
The new merge tribe has a name and the name is LAVITA. No, not the name of the country bordered by Lithuania and Estonia. No, not the name of a former member of Destiny’s Child. Lavita! This is an extended sequence of Dom versus Chris, with Dom going to Libby and Jenna and basically telling them to sit tight, because it will all be over soon. Chris says that he’s like Dwayne Wade, since he “started from the bottom, now he’s here.” Someone might want to tell Chris that Dwanye Wade and Drake are two different people, and one of them doesn’t play basketball! Jenna and Libby confer and agree that Dom is the more dangerous one, since Chris is dumb, but at least he’s loyal.
Hang onto your hats folks because it’s barely 8:30 PM and already time for immunity! It’s the first Individual Immunity competition, where the remaining Survivors will be playing to win a real stinker of a necklace. Seriously, Survivor usually does so well with the production design and the props that when they bring out a necklace that looks like it was designed in the dark it’s a little hard to get excited. This is the double-balance challenge, where the Survivors need to balance on a narrow beam while balancing an idol on a pole above their heads. Adding to the drama is a particularly windy day, so hang onto your hats! Jenna and Don are both out quickly, followed by a confident-looking but eyes-closed Angela. Glamor shots of the unfortunate necklace pass the time as more Survivors drop out and we’re left with Kellyn versus Libby. Libby’s idol falls and Kellyn wins the first individual challenge. Everyone reacts to this like Kellyn just won a Nobel prize, with unusually enthusiastic clapping and Angela, hilariously, yelling “Kellyn!” like she’s looking for an autograph at a concert.
Back on the beach, Chris takes EVERYONE except for Wendell and Dom to the well to formulate a strategy. Chris says that they can all split the vote for Wendell and Dom in case Dom plays his idol. Meanwhile, Wendell is convinced now more than ever that Chris needs to go. Donathan is so thrilled by the idea of a blindside against Chris that his eyes pop out of his head like a cartoon cat admiring a pie. Meanwhile, the four Naviti women, Angela, Chelsea, Desi, and Kellyn, are formulating their own plan. Lest these meatheads run the show, Desi proposes that the four of them bond together and vote out Libby, since she’s arguably a bigger strategic threat. With a vote split potentially three ways, this is a remarkably bold plan, especially since it almost certainly wouldn’t work past this week. Still, they all seem intrigued, and we head into Tribal Council with nary a clue as to what will happen next. Well, we do know this will be the Chris versus Dom Wrestlemania that everyone expected. Dom basically lays out their whole backstory in a LET ME TELL YOU style, starting from their very first day on the beach. Wendell pipes up for a few jabs, but Chris really does dominate Tribal Council. It’s time to vote, and Dom loudly casts his for Chris, which is kind of funny. Before the votes are read, Dom does choose to play the legacy advantage, which makes him immune from the vote. It’s the only idol that is played, and the foreboding music suggests an exit for either Wendell or Chris. Rest easy because Chris is sent home with a near-majority, with only two of the Naviti women voting against Libby, and Chris without his own vote. Adios to Chris, turns out his first time at Tribal Council was also his last. Started from the bottom, now he’s out the door! Also congrats to Wendell for the most memorable voting scene of recent times. After casting his vote for Chris, Wendell pauses and delivers, “Someone has to say it. Chris, stop rapping. You’re trash.” (realizing that Chris might mistake trash as slang for being good, as in “Michael Jackson Bad” Wendell reassess) “You’re bad at rapping. You’ve got no bars. Please stop.” It’s a wonderful moment, and truly needed to be said. Here’s hoping we can escape this season without an EP by Chris aka Lil’ Chris aka Yung Chris aka Male Model Money aka Rico Sua-vé aka “I Put the Key West in Kanye West” aka Stay Strapped with My Velcro Shoes aka The Lebron James of Ghost Island. Adios!
Make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess has dusted off her glove and says she’s headed out to right field, but she promises to come back long enough to send out the next bonus point challenge. Next time on Survivor: it’s the gross food challenge! Put those baluts in the oven and we’ll see you next week!
Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s another snowy Friday and time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Malolo continued their losing streak and dumped James off the short bus. The next day, Michael knows that he needs a miracle in order to survive. He decides to go searching for the idol IN BROAD DAYLIGHT because that’s the kind of mood he’s in. Angela spots him, and Desi says that he’s paranoid, but, lo-and-behold, Michael finds the idol stuck beneath a tree. Folks, this isn’t just any idol, but the infamous “it’s just a f-ing stick” that got Eliza, Ozzy, and Jason all voted out of Survivor: Fans Versus Favorites. Turns out for ten years this idol has been living on Ghost Island, and has matured into a real immunity idol, just like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon! Michael is thrilled about finding the idol, despite the fact that he was IN SECOND GRADE when it first appeared.
Reward time! In this Reward Challenge the Survivors need to use a rope to hold up some blocks that spell, uh, REWARD. This is literally a repainted version of a challenge from last season, but I’ll take it! The reward winners get a plate full of kebabs, plus a grill to cook them on. Second place gets fewer kebabs, but kebabs nonetheless. Third place is kebab-less, and will be going home with nothing. This is a tight challenge early on, as both Naviti and Yanuya drop, giving Malolo an early lead… which they immediately lose. Naviti gains back their ground and wins, followed by Wendell’s fancy footwork to give Yanuya second place. If you’re keeping score at home, you’ll soon discover this leaves our friends at Malolo in dead last, yet again. The curse continues! Naviti also has to choose someone to go to Ghost Island, and they decide on Kellyn, since Ghost Island is still a mystery and she’s already been. Kellyn doesn’t want to go back to the spooky hotel, one vacancy, but she musters it up and heads off. Naviti and Yanuya collect their kebabs and Malolo, down to three, goes home with zip, zero, zilch, nada!
Spooky times! Kellyn has returned to Ghost Island, and Ghost Island has returned to the game! Yes, after a week-long absence, we are once again traveling to that most haunted isle, where the secrets of Survivor are buried in the graveyard of deceit and deception! Man, I’m starting to think we shouldn’t have booked a room at Casa Ghost Island. We could have been staying at the Ramada, but you said, “Just keep driving, we’ll find a place!” Well I’m pretty sure the place we found is haunted, and they don’t even have H-B-Oooooooo! At Ghost Island, Kellyn once again gets the chance to partake in a spooky game, and this time she takes the bait, saying, “you’ve gotta risk it for the biscuit.” This turn of phrase is not to be confused with the very adult film “Risqué for the Biscuit.” Kellyn’s chance pays off, as she is gifted with the vote steal advantage from Survivor: Game Changers. You remember the one that was on Michaela’s sit-out bench but she totally missed it, and then Officer Sarah found it and used it to vote Michaela out? Well it’s back but it’s no longer a steal, just an extra vote that Kellyn can use at a future Tribal Council. Kellyn says, “This might be the moment Kellyn goes from the sweet girl to being tough enough to win.” Speaking of being tough enough, over at Naviti, Donathan is congratulating himself, and his tribe, on their well-earned victory. In the middle of his moment he’s cut off by a very rude Bradley, who basically says, “OMG, let’s eat!” Bradley has no time for camaraderie! Domenick says that EVEN HE has noticed that Bradley is a bit of a grumpy Gus, acting argumentative and nasty for no reason. When Domenick thinks you may be too over-the-top it might be time to slow down and reconsider your life and choices. Over at Yanuya, Chris is psyched to have the kebabs and announces, to nobody in particular, that he, “Loves to eat!” What a surprise! Yanuya does have a sweet moment where they sing Happy Birthday to Wendell’s lady-friend, Nicole, back home. It’s nice that they chose the actual Happy Birthday song for Nicole and not, “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” or “Nicole Nicole, she’s the man, if she can’t do it” etc etc. Wendell says that it’s time to find an advantage, so he goes idol-hunting while the rest of his tribe luxuriates in a kebab-induced coma. Wendell has been noting points of interest on the island, particularly, “a tree that’s wrapped in another tree.” Yo, dawg, we heard you liked trees, so we put a tree inside a tree so you can tree while you tree! Indeed, the base of the tree contains a map to an idol, and Wendell finds it and digs it up. Idol count for the episode; 2! This is a full-blown immunity necklace, the very same one that Erik gave up during Fans Versus Favorites, a past season that’s really paying dividends tonight. This is a cool idol but it’s also ENORMOUS, which means that Wendell has to bury it again. He can’t just shove it in his pants like some stick!
Malolo! Is! Cursed! Desi says that she’s sick of losing, and it’s time to burn their banner to air out the bad juju. You know times are tough for Malolo when they need to resort to arson to feel anything. The banner goes up in flames and it’s time again for another Immunity Challenge. In this Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to swim out to get some rings, and then toss those rings onto a poll. Early on the most thrilling part of this challenge is how Dom leaps into the water, with all the grace of a sack of potatoes being hurtled through the air. After all the swimming, Wendell connects on his rings for Yanuya, and then it’s down to Naviti versus Malolo, just like old times! Michael comes through with the ring toss, and Malolo FINALLY has a victory. Malolo treats this as if they just won the Super Bowl, World Series, and Multimedia Celebrity Poker all at the same time. Congrats to Malolo for breaking the streak and reversing the curse. This just goes to prove that fire does solve all your problems!
A hungry shark in the water greets us at Naviti. Dom begins apologizing for the challenge before he is shushed by YOU GUESSED IT Bradley. Speaking of Bradley, his plan is to vote out Libby, since she’s one of the original Malolos. “Nice to meet ya, now see ya” Bradley says about Libby and also, fortuitously, his own time on Survivor. I hope you’re sitting down because CHELSEA gets HER OWN CONFESSIONAL where she is about as charming and engaged as you’d expect, saying that there are pros and cons to voting out either Libby or Bradley. Thankfully here’s Domenick to explain things more concisely, saying that Bradley is a real pain in the rear end, except he doesn’t say rear end or backside or rump or poop chute or caboose but an ACTUAL swear on this, the family hour! At Tribal Council it’s the broken record of the season, with Jeff asking if the original tribes will stay together or if things could ever be split up. Hang in there, Jeff, tonight might be your night! Even though Bradley talks a big game about unity, it turns out there’s trouble in the tribe, and that trouble starts with a capital B. As Tribal goes on, everyone slowly turns against Bradley, and he has to defend himself by saying that he’s just an argumentative person, and would argue with you about the color of the sky. Bradley doesn’t think about this as arguing, but “opening a dialogue,” presumably one where he tells you how you’re wrong and how he’s right. Bradley argues his way right up to the vote, where he is given the boot, to the extreme relief of all around him. “Oh wow. Damn. That’s crazy,” Bradley says on his way out, clearly in disbelief as to how ANYONE could have ever DISAGREED with him. Bradley is exactly the type of guy who overhears a conversation he disagrees with and butts in with a wild ACTUALLY when he really should learn just to keep his yap shut. Adios, Bradley. Don’t let the door hit your caboose on the way out!
Make sure you hop on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess just opened the door and said “SLEDDING?” but she promises to take off her snowsuit long enough to send out the next pool points opportunity. Next time on Survivor: it’s the merge! It’s Dom versus Chris! It’s Dom versus the water! It’s Chris versus the pronunciation of “suave”! Who will emerge victorious? Tune in next week!
Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s time to interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday with a new episode of Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Naviti was running the show, which means it’s high time for another tribe swap. Indeed, the Survivors gather together to join Jeff on Not A Real Challenge Beach where they learn they will once again be dropping their buffs and given new tribes. Before the swap, Jeff asks Michael and Jenna if this is the bright light at the end of the tunnel, so insert your own “fast approaching train” joke here. Even though Desiree is nervous, she says that fate has got her back in this swap and that, “fate is my homey.” This is the first time I can recall someone saying that fate is their homey, but maybe Desiree is really into Greek mythology? Each of the fifteen Survivors gets a random buff and when they’re unwrapped fans of “how math works” will be unsurprised to see that the two tribes are splitting into three tribes of five. In addition to orange Malolo and purple Naviti, we have a new green tribe with an unconventional name: Yanuya, pronounced like “You knew ye!” as in “We hardly knew ye!” or “You knew ya won’t last long” or “You knew ya might have reconsidered before signing up for tightrope lessons on a windy day!” Tribe swaps are always a good chance to meet new people, since on the new Naviti, Donathan has never met Bradley or Chelsea. This gets me to thinking, have we met Chelsea? I think she’s an EMT? The new Yanuya has a confident Sebastian, who says that he doesn’t think his tribe is going to lose. I mean, as long as there’s still a tribe called Malolo in this game, your odds are pretty good.
Along with Sebastian, new Yanuya consists of Wendell, Laurel, Chris, and Jenna. Jenna is particularly glad to be here, since so much bad has happened to the original Malolo so SURELY nothing else can go wrong. Wendell and Sebastian get a chance to reconnect, and Wendell gives a special little smelly conch shell back to Sebastian. “I found it when it was alive!” Sebastian says, probably more proudly than that phrase should ever be said. Wendell says that he was tired of managing two huge egos at old Naviti with Dom and Chris, and now he only has one huge ego with Chris to worry about. This leads to an INCREDIBLY long segment that’s basically just dunking on Chris, as his arrogance pays dividends to the Survivor editors. It starts when Chris inserts himself into a conversation Sebastian and Laurel are having about volleyball saying that HEY DID YOU KNOW I PLAYED VOLLEYBALL, TOO? which turns out to mean he once won some sort of beach beer league tournament. Then he talks about how he’s an entrepreneur, not because he has a lot of businesses but because he’s, “investing in me.” Finally, there’s the big reveal to Laurel that Chris not only used to be a model, but still is a model. Chris treats this with such earth-shattering suspense you’d think he was about to reveal that he came from another planet. Chris has been hesitant to reveal his model status, saying that it may lead people to think he is “self-involved or dumb” immediately before he mis-pronounces the word “beneficiary.” Chris is likely the only person in the world who thought that Zoolander was a serious documentary.
New Malolo! It’s Desiree, Michael, Angela, James, and Kellyn. So, once again, it’s a tribe where the former Naviti outnumber the former Malolo. Poor Michael, he really seems doomed to be stuck with that same orange buff. There’s a recap of the Tribal Council where Morgan was voted off, and before you say WHO? what’s important is that Dom and Wendell incorrectly targeted Angela and tried to vote her out, instead. Angela says that she was “two shades of pissed off.” Thank goodness she did not reach that elusive third shade! Former Malolo James is reunited with former Malolo Michael, even though they were never really that close to begin with. With Kellyn and Desiree super close, James and Micheal think they may be able to sway Angela to their side in the extremely-likely event that Malolo goes to yet ANOTHER Tribal Council.
New Naviti! It’s Donathan, Bradley, Chelsea, Libby, and Dom. Bradley is pumped to be back at Naviti, saying that he’s been living in squalor, and that going from Malolo to Naviti is like going from a slum to a resort. Bradley treats this like it’s some sort of personal achievement, and not just a random buff draw. Meanwhile, Chelsea weeps while drinking a cup of coffee. It’s by far the most interesting she’s been on this show. While Dom is relieved to not continue sparring with Chris, he’s got a new target in Libby, who he calls a “devil in an angel’s body” since she wants to, uh, lie and be strategic in order to win, which is in NO WAY how Dom himself is playing the game. Dom and Bradley have a chat where Bradley seems to be able to convince Dom that they’re together, no mater what. “Maybe I am as fantastic at this game as I think I am,” Bradley says as my eyes roll so far back into my head I’m in danger of losing them forever.
Immunity Challenge! It’s time to toss out the old Immunity Idol and replace it with two new Immunity Idols. This challenge is the ol’ blindfold favorite, where one caller yells their lungs out trying to direct a bunch of unaware players towards puzzle pieces and away from conveniently placed hazards. This has never been an easy challenge and yet Survivor continues to find ways to make it even harder. This time we’ve got three tribes stumbling around, two players tied together, and then, AND THEN, they need to do the puzzle blindfolded with the same caller. Yikes. Malolo actually gets off to the best start, despite a hoarse-sounding Desiree as the designated yeller. Those of you watching for injuries will be pleased with Michael trips over a planter, Libby knocks her noggin on a beam, and Chelsea just straight-up walks into a pole. Don’t worry, Survivor treats these moments with exactly the respectful sound effects that you’d expect. Malolo ends up with a big lead, but then puts their fate in proven puzzle dis-as-stars Desiree and Kellyn, and trouble starts brewing. Even though Wendell forgot a bag of their puzzle pieces and needed to run back through the challenge by himself, he’s still able to direct Yanuya to their first victory. Not too far behind is Naviti, with Dom finally putting that big mouth to good use. Last and least? Bringing up the rear? The shame on the sand? Why, it’s our good friends at Malolo, who, despite leading the entire way and being made of 60% new people STILL manage to lose. This is now the fifth challenge loss in a row for Malolo. One may say they’ve reached a new Malolo… low.
Back at the beach, Desiree is so sorry for goofing the challenge. Even though Desiree says she feels like, “the biggest loser,” she’s still here to play the game. Turns out Kellyn and Desiree want to vote out James, since he could be a potential threat at the merge. James and Michael, meanwhile, think they need to get Desiree out now so they can actually start winning some challenges. You may have noticed that this leaves Angela as the potential swing vote. Angela tells us that she is no stranger to being alone, after she retired from the military, sent her daughter off to college, and got a divorce. Sounds like someone could use a pet, or, at the very least, a couple of houseplants! Angela doesn’t seem willing to commit to either side, leading Kellyn to question if she’s actually with them, despite the fact that she’s the obvious third wheel. “Is it still about orange and purple, or has it turned to brown?” Kellyn asks. Folks, I’m not a doctor, but when it turns to brown it might be time to flush. At an unnecessarily long Tribal Council, Jeff desperately tries to stir the pot, with the old “strength versus strategy” argument. It seems like everyone on Malolo just wants to make it to the merge, and I’m with them! Jeff asks each player if they make decisions based on their head or their heart, and they all answer one way or the other except for Kellyn, who goes on about how she makes decisions with her gut, since it’s the best combination of the head and the heart and it can also tell you when you’re craving a ham sandwich. It is time to vote and everyone, including Michael, turns on James, making him the sixth evictee. Adios to James, who seemed like a nice guy who never really found his way this season. James is the latest to be claimed by the Malolo curse, which has been more important and meaningful than anything that’s happened so far with Ghost Island. Speaking of which, Ghost Island? Where was it? Were the spirits too busy rearranging the knickknacks? Were they booked up with tourists? I sure hope Ghost Island hasn’t been shuttered for the Spring, I feel like there are so many spooky times left to be had!
Spring has sprung but make sure you take a minute to hop on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess says she’s on a mission to put the “Easter” in “Nor’easter” but promises to stop long enough to send out the next challenge opportunity. Next time on Survivor promises both a “fire” at Malolo and “fury” at Naviti so things will probably turn out “stormy” for all. See you next week!
Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s another Wednesday and time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Michael attempted to reverse the curse on James’s China idol by inventing a grand scheme at Tribal Council. It didn’t work, and his ally Brendan was voted out, turning the Malolo Four into the Malolo Three, or Malolololo into Malololo. Back from tribal, Bradley says he was sure he was toast! Luckily his Naviti tribe stuck to the plan and sent Brendan home. Bradley is worried because Michael has now shown up as a surprisingly crafty player, and not just a “fratty bro.” With his plan gone awry, Michael breaks the magician’s code and reveals to his tribe that it was just a regular idol, and he lied about the advantage. If Michael is lying about this, what else could he be lying about? Perhaps… the year he was born? It’s a season of deception, it’s a season of thrills, it’s… ok, it’s not a very exciting episode of Survivor.
Challenge time! In this Reward Challenge the Survivors need to pick up some sandbags off of a lever, pull the lever to drop more sandbags, and then toss those sandbags at a lil’ windmill to try and release three flags. The team that sandbags the hardest will win reward in the form of coffee and pastries, which everyone LOSES THEIR MINDS over. Seriously, you would think Jeff Probst was revealing letters from home or a new car, but, nah it’s just a jug of iced coffee and some day-olds from the Fiji Dunkin’ Donuts. Clearly this is a reward worth playing for, and soon the sandbags start flying like the tomatoes at my one-man show version of The Sound of Music. Turns out tall boy Chris is a ringer with the sandbags, as Jeff Probst gushes, “It is an amazing display of an arm!” Chris’s strong arm bids farewell to Malolo, and Naviti wins their third challenge in a row. Donathan starts chanting “CINNAMON ROLLS, CINNAMON ROLLS!” like it’s Christmas morning and he’s just been visited by the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Jeff Probst continues to admire Chris’s arm ability, and Chris reveals that, “I used to toss a rock.” Wait, what? Did Chris just admit to… selling drugs? No, no, turns out he used to be a pitcher in college, and now he just poses for pictures! [“Not a joke” – ed]. It’s time to send someone to Ghost Island and Naviti opts for rocks, giving Stephanie the ticket. Stephanie’s off to Ghost Island, Malolo goes home with nothing, and Naviti is about to navigate the wonderful world where coffee and frosting collide with their mostly-empty stomachs! Chris closes out the challenge by reciting a truly awful rap, where he says that it was, “Not pay-per-view, a free show!” and then rhymes “Free show” with “Free throw.” I’ve heard better rapping from the cartoon cat who danced with Paula Abdul. I’ve heard better rapping from the Dragnet movie. I can’t bring myself to listen to anything by CoinDaddy, the “white rapper who loves cryptocurrency” but I have to imagine that even he has bars on Chris. Keep it!
Oh no, are those gho-o-o-sts in our midst? It’s time for Stephanie to visit Ghost Island, which is spooky scary for her since she’s already on the bottom of her tribe. Stephanie says that everything can change in twenty-four hours, and that she needs a miracle to succeed. Everything seems to be heading towards the reveal of Ghost Island’s secret advantage… but then she breaks the urn and it’s no game, try again later. Bummer! Boo, urns! Stephanie says that Ghost Island will give her time to reflect, especially since she’s had a lot of big life changes recently, like leaving the Mormon church, getting divorced, and discovering the long-lost art of sand calligraphy. It’s all hats and horns over at Naviti where they’re celebrating their three-peat. James says it’s sure great for the Malolo four to have an ally in Chris, unaware that Donathan and Laurel have already gone and made an alliance with the other members of Naviti, Dom and Wendell. Whoops! During the coffee hijinks Donathan needs to take a moment, since all the coffee and pastries are reminding him of his… mother and grandmother? The coffee hits Donathan hard and he takes a moment with Laurel where he explains that the reward reminds him of home since his mother and grandmother also… drink coffee. Chris sees an opportunity here, and has a heart-to-heart with Donathan, where Chris reveals that he’s been caring for his own mother since he was fifteen. Donathan says that he feels closer with Chris and also, apparently, closer to referring to himself in the second-person, saying, “I need to start doing what’s right for Donathan!” If Donathan wants to rollerblade, Donathan rollerblades!
Challenge time! In this Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to run out to a boogie board, untie a bag, and then boogie back to shore with the help of the tribe pulling a giant crank. They do this three times, and then they unlock a combination and solve a slide puzzle. The answer to the puzzle is GHOST ISLAND so sit down if you were expecting it to be GNATS OLDISH or LIT SANDHOGS or A DONG’S HILTS. The boogie board provides the most excitement of all this episode, with Desiree being pulled underwater and your girl Chelsea actually falling off. “It’s a big setback on the boogie board!” Jeff exclaims, inadvertently writing the plot treatment for Teen Beach Movie 3. It looks like Naviti will hold a clear lead but then Malolo catches up at the puzzle. It’s not enough, though, and Naviti wins again, turning their three-peat into a four-peat. Quad-peat? Square-peat? IV-peat? Kellyn says she’s sad she let her tribe down, but then Jeff Probst reminds them that it should be an easy vote, with Naviti still outnumbering Malolo. Thanks for sucking the air out of that one, Jeff!
Back at the beach, Michael is ready to flip sides and vote for one of the other Malolos, as long as he is safe. Turns out there is some discussion to this, as all the former Malolo have their own pros and cons. For example, Sebastian wants to keep Jenna because she’s good at braiding hair. We know this because they take turns smelling each other’s hair. It’s about as exciting as it sounds. Meanwhile, Desiree wants Stephanie out since she’s strategic and actually playing the game. Plus, Stephanie may have found an advantage at Ghost Island. Meanwhile meanwhile, Bradley wants Michael out, since Michael is apparently not as dull as he looks. Michael and Bradley have a conversation where Michael pledges his loyalty. Michael will do whatever it takes to stay! Desiree goes through Stephanie’s bag and doesn’t find an idol. I don’t know, it could be hiding in her hair! In what amounts to one of the least-eventful Tribal Councils in decades it’s all glum for Malolo as Jeff goes around and around poking at which one will be voted out. It turns out to all be for show, as Stephanie receives the unanimous boot, which means there was even less drama than they let on. Adios, Stephanie. Hope the sand writes back!
Make sure you click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is holding out hope that What’samatta U will win the big tournament, but she’ll put down her big foam finger long enough to send out the next pool points opportunity. Next time on Survivor: drop your buffs! It’s a whole new start! We’re hitting reboot on this season faster than I can rewind Chris’s rhymes! See you next week!
Ahoy, Pool Players! We’re in the March of Madness and it’s time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, the tribes swapped and Naviti was in control… or so they thought! With Chris away at Ghost Island, the Malolo four on the new Naviti stayed strong and joined together to vote out Morgan, to the shock of schemers Wendell and Domenick, who had wanted to get out Chris flunky Angela. Morgan was given the boot with the Legacy Advantage so she willed it to Domenick, thus marking the first time in the history of the Legacy Advantage that it’s been used by more than two people in a single season. It’s a second chance for the Legacy Advantage but Domenick and Wendell feel out of chances and on the outs with their new tribe. Malolo stuck together against them, and they voted for Angela, so, as Domenick says, “We made enemies with everybody!” That’s not a strategy that works in any game! Domenick and Wendell have a surprisingly upbeat heart-to-heart, where they agree that what happened was a dis-as-tuh, but, hey, it’s still early in the game and all they need is for a couple of the Malolos to flip. Dom strengthens his bond with Wendell by revealing the actual really-for-real-definitely-not-fake idol, to Wendell’s immense relief. The next morning, Domenick getsm good news as he is delivered the Legacy Advantage. Don’t let all these advantages weigh you down, Dom!
Reward Challenge time! It feels like it’s been ages since we’ve had one of these! This Reward Challenge takes place out on the Island of Bruises and Broken Bones, as the Survivors need to try and get a floaty ring to their pole while the other team tries everything in their power to take them down. All this barbarianism for… peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! And milk! You know that nothing goes better with a hot tropics day than a big glass of milk. This challenge is about as brutal as you’d expect, except it’s happening in the water so there’s at least an air of pool-time fun to it. Naviti takes a lead but then Malolo comes back, making it 2-1. Thanks to the combined power of (checks notes) Laurel and Libby (?) , Naviti makes one last lunge for their pole and secures a much-needed victory. They also get to send someone to Ghost Island NOW, and that player will return before the next Immunity Challenge and will participate in both the challenge and Tribal Council. Mixing up the Ghost Island, eh? I’m for it! They decide to go to rocks, to the great dismay of Kellyn who says that it’s, “My greatest Survivor fear!” Greater than being voted out? Greater than a medical evacuation? Greater than being on a tribe with Debbie? With that remark in the can of course it’s Kellyn who ends up drawing the white rock, sending her off to Ghost Island. To her credit, Kellyn changes gears, and says, “A part of me is scared, but I feel like this is where I need to be,” which, oddly enough, is that same thing I say when making a post-midnight trip to Mighty Taco.
Spooky times! Kellyn is all alone on Ghost Island, and, as an extrovert, it’s her biggest fear! Man, being an extrovert must be exhausting. Kellyn breaks the urn and has the chance to participate in a game of chance. She can accept and potentially lose her vote at the next Tribal, or she can do nothing and spend her night arguing with the spirits. Kellyn says that it was a gut decision to not take the chance, the same way it was a gut decision to leave her marriage, go back to grad school, and join a traveling circus! Okay, one of those isn’t true, but good on Kellyn for starting her life over as a likely middle-of-the-pack finisher on Survivor!
Back at Naviti, Chris needs to find out the truth of what happened. Chris. Is. On. A. Mission! Chris is out to snuff Dom, and it’s the battle of the overly-confident dudes. They both know they need to get on the good side of Malolo, who aren’t sure where they want to go. Donathan and Laurel have a chat where they both realize that they far prefer Wendell over Chris, since Wendell is cool and Chris has the personality of an unripe piece of fruit. Laurel reminds us that she not only went to Yale, but she played Division 1 sports, too. One could say she’s not resting on her… oh, never mind. Laurel talks to Dom and tells him that she doesn’t want him or Wendell out, prompting Dom to tell her the truth THE REAL WHOLE TRUTH that he actually has the idol. At the same time, Wendell talks to Don, and we’re suddenly faced with the unlikely alliance of, here goes, Wendell, Dom, Donathan and Laurel. Huh! That’s not a foursome I would have predicted going into this season, but I’ll take it!
Immunity time! In this Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to retrieve a heavy crate from the DEPTHS OF THE SEA and before you can say “Davey Jones” they need to cart it up on the sand, unpack some basketballs and then toss those basketballs onto a small ledge just like the popular game of… ledge ball? I know this is the big March Madness week, but couldn’t they have gotten a regular basket? Ledge ball looks like a game invented by indoors kids who were trying to trick the bullies into something so hard they forgot about delivering a beat down. In any event, Naviti gets off to a slow start, unable to get their door open, and then messing up with putting their crate on the track. This leads Jeff to drop such gems as, “Naviti can’t get on track!” just savoring the metaphorical potential! But then Brendan and Sebastian kind of whiff it at ledge ball, and Naviti is able to improbably tie it up. It’s tense but Sebastian is too tired and Naviti wins Immunity, a win that they definitely deserved but almost certainly shouldn’t have won. Naviti celebrates this win with an old-school pileup. You know when teams are so excited that they all just pile on top of each other in a giant mound of flesh? The pile of Naviti is safe, and the new Malolo is going to Tribal Council. OG Naviti has the numbers so this should be an easy vote, right? Right? No potential drama here?
At Malolo, Bradley says that while it’s tough to lose, it’s actually fantastic since Naviti has the numbers. Bradley then likens himself to both Boston Rob and Kim Spradlin, saying that he’s got control and wants to vote people out. Slow down, Bradley! You’ve made it to Day 9, not Day 39! Malolo Steph is feeling the pressure, so she sits alone and writes HOPE in the sand. As long as the sand doesn’t start talking back, I think we’re OK. It’s time to hear from a fresh new face, Chelsea the EMT, who we haven’t heard from once this season. I’m pretty sure she’s gotten less screen time than Andrea and James, players from other seasons that we only saw in flashbacks! Chelsea reasons that Naviti can vote for one of Malolo’s stronger men, since they won’t be expecting it, and they probably don’t have an idol. Sebastian says that Brendan and Mike are like, “penguins on a tropical island” and I have no idea what he’s referring to unless it’s the 2007 DreamWorks animated film SURF’S UP. He then drops a real humdinger, saying, “Malolo can go low low, then they’re the Malolo-low.” Did I transcribe that correctly? I don’t know know! Don’t forget, Mike found the immunity idol, and he decides to let the rest of his tribe know. Mike shows the idol to Steph and Jenna, and Steph is instantly relieved. “I literally was just out here meditating for hope!” Steph exclaims. All of her sand writing worked! Mike says that he plans on just whipping out the idol midway through Tribal Council and try to move the vote to Bradley. At Tribal Council, it’s pretty clear there’s a five / four split. Bradley says that he’s been, “sensing irritation” all day, and he’s not talking about his drawers! Mike does decide to play his idol and then invents a story that it contains double immunity so two Malolos will be safe. Mike tries his hardest to sell this, but Naviti is unconvinced, and the five of them stay together, despite Mike trying to put the heat on Bradley. It’s time to vote and Mike plays his idol for Stephanie, who ends up getting no votes as Brendan is sent packing in the planned five-to-four. Adios to the Survivor dad. Turns out it was a no go for Malolo, even though they had the i-dol, you could say this result was so-so, since they’ll really need to pogo up the ranks if they want to last on this show show. What do you think is the favorite art period of Malolo? Is it Rococo? I’ll stop now.
There’s no stopping to the pool, so make sure to click on over to the ever-changing Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is wondering where the Tomb Raider finds all these tombs to raid, but she’ll stop Googling long enough to send out the next pool points opportunity. Next time on Survivor: the spirits revolt! The ghosts have the power! It’s the spookiest Tribal Council ever! Or something. We’ll see you next week!
Ahoy, Pool Players! We’re stumbling like lions into a brand new episode of Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Jacob was the first resident at Ghost Island where he found the Legacy Advantage and willed it to Morgan before he was “blind sided” at the second Tribal Council. Yes, the second Tribal Council! Someone else entirely was voted out in the first Tribal Council. Who? It’s not important! What is important is that Malolo kept James over Jacob, even though James whiffed it at the challenge. Back at the beach, Malolo consoles James by telling him, “not to hate himself.” In terms of inspirational sayings, “don’t hate yourself” doesn’t exactly inspire confidence! Malolo says that they’re done losing and this newfound optimism takes them to Day 7 to meet Jeff and Naviti. Jeff announces -to the surprise of no one- that Jacob was voted out, and then welcomes back Donathan from Ghost Island. Donathan does seem to be too cheery for someone returning from a place called Ghost Island, you kind of wish they would welcome him back with a spooky organ riff and maybe Jeff would hold a flashlight under his face and talk like the crypt keeper. Every haunted house needs ambiance! Eager to mix things up, Jeff asks the tribes how they’re doing a week into the game. Naviti seems pretty confident, but Libby says that Malolo is still growing into being the best tribe ever, sort of like how I’m still growing into being a professional quarterback. Lest you think we’re safe to rest, it’s time for a DROP YOUR BUFFS with a surprise tribe swap. Previously mute Angela is especially nervous about this, and I’m nervous because I don’t have a clue what an Angela is! Stephanie says she’s ready to ride the waves of this swap, and it turns out to be bumpy water for her former Malolo. After the buffs are revealed BOTH tribes are Navitis full of Malolos, with former Naviti members outnumbering former Malolo on both tribes 5-4. All the new people greet each other and then someone on Malolo says it’s time to, “open up new treasure boxes of love!” Treasure boxes of love? Who didn’t get the memo? This is supposed to be a spooky season! Trust me, Survivor: Love Island is a very different show!
New Malolo! Kellyn says that her new beach is a “hot mess” and likens it to when your friend says you have to see the baby, and then you see the baby and it’s an ugly baby. If Kellyn is lifting plot lines from one single specific Seinfeld episode, I sure hope her next metaphor isn’t about shrinkage! The very who-y Bradley is even less kind with his words, telling Brendan he thinks the Malolo camp is, “a s—hole.” Brendan says that Bradley needs to get it together, Survivor is tough, and sometimes you’re living in the hole! Things are rosier at the new Naviti, where the former Malolo members are getting the grand tour of them ahem, LIVING ROOM and DINING areas. This shelter has rooms! Sure the walls are made of trees, but they’re rooms! You could get lost on your way to the foyer! Chris and Dom both ended up on the new Naviti, which is bad news for all involved. Chris tells Angela that they need to be careful about Dom because Dom found the idol. That’s fine, you might say, as long as Chris doesn’t go and tell—-wait, what’s Chris doing? Yes, that’s Chris telling Malolo about Dom’s idol. Cat’s out of the bag on this one, folks! Libby files this information away for later, and tells us that she may play dumb, but she won’t be dumb. Libby will reveal herself to be either a strategic mastermind or, uh, Purple Kelly. Time will tell!
Bradley welcomes us back to Malolo by talking about what a dump it is and how things were so much better back in **checks notes** Los Angeles, California! Stephanie and Jenna are outnumbered, so they know they need to find an idol. This takes us to a probably-too-long sequence of Stephanie and Jenna searching in the trees, in the leaves, in the sand, in the surf, and even on the side of a hill (?!?) for the idol. Eventually Brendan and Michael join in and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW but Michael easily reaches in a trunk and finds the hidden Immunity idol. But this isn’t just any idol, it’s one of the ones that James was voted out with during Survivor: China. You may know this story, but it’s up to Survivor to tell it again complete with sepia-toned flashback. What’s with the hazy lens on these flashbacks? This only happened eleven years ago, not during the Wild West! In case you were wondering about the inevitable march of time, Michael says that China was the first season of Survivor he ever watched, when he was eight years old. Michael is younger than both Space Jam and Spice World! Over at Naviti there’s no idol madness, but we do get Morgan bonding with Libby. “Us Catholic girls gotta stick together!” Morgan says. It’s just like Billy Joel used to sing, “Catholic girls start much too late… at making alliances!”
Challenge time! In this combined Immunity and Reward challenge, the Survivors need to run across a slanted wall, dig up a ladder, untangle a rope, climb two steep inclines, and then solve a rather abstract puzzle. The winners will receive Immunity, in the form of Immunity, and a tarp, in the form of a tarp. Seriously, the tarp is appreciated, but is this the most no-frills reward ever? Was the pizza delivery late that day? Jeff Probst couldn’t sweeten the deal with some milk and cookies? You don’t get the tarp and, like, a piece of rope or something? Nah, man, you just get the tarp. This is a pretty close challenge, even though it takes Malolo a long time to, uh, figure out the ladder. It only works in one way! Still, Malolo cracks the puzzle long before Naviti and Malolo handily wins Immunity and the tarp. It’s time to send someone to Ghost Island, and we now learn that this must be a unanimous decision or else someone will be randomly chosen via rocks. Malolo can’t decide who to send, so Naviti picks rocks and it’s Chris who will be both immune and unable to vote since he’s spending a night with the spirits!
I hope you’re ready to get spooky because we’re headed back to Ghost Island! Chris smashes an urn but gets nothing in return, meaning this is the second trip in a row that hasn’t really gone anywhere. Good thing we have Chris with a case of the sniffles to keep us entertained. Chris says that he’s struggling to survive, and that he’s getting inspiration from his mom. After says that he doesn’t like to cry, Chris lets out a good cry and says that he’s letting go of negative energy. Up until now Chris has displayed about as much emotional range as a potted plant, so it’s nice to see him open up. Back at Naviti everyone is feeling the loss of Chris, who would have given the former Naviti a five-four advantage. Without Chris, Angela is struggling to gain ground. Angela is expecting a split vote, but Wendell has other plans, telling Dom that now might be the time to vote her out. This, folks, is where things get a little hazy. First, Dom goes to Malolo and tells them they can trust him since the idol he has is fake. He reveals the fake idol to them, complete with a new fake parchment that he stole from tree mail. Dom is so elaborate with this lie that it’s practically a one man show, and James, to his incredible credit, doesn’t buy it. James knows that Dom would lie to their faces, and convinces Libby that Dom probably has the actual idol. Libby isn’t sure if she wants to vote with her old tribe or stick with her new alliance member Morgan. At Tribal Council it’s clear there could be a four-four split if everyone voted along original tribe lines. Morgan makes a case that this might not necessarily happen, and there’s a big deal made of “Well what if we’re not telling the truth!” It comes down to Libby, as most important decisions usually do. Libby says that some level of lying is involved in Survivor, and that of course she’s told lies, “BUT NEVER TO ME, RIGHT?” says Morgan who then kids around with her saying how could Libby lie? Look at those pigtails! They can only tell the truth! It’s time to vote and the spirit of Chris is deeply felt as Wendell, Morgan, and Dom all vote for Angela, Angela votes for Libby, and everyone else votes out Morgan. Morgan goes home, 4-3-1. Goodbye to Morgan and deuces to the Catholic alliance. Sooner or later it comes down to fate! Morgan might as well have been the one. Only the good… leave Survivor in the third episode! Oh, and Morgan willed the Legacy Advantage to Dom so thank goodness he’s got something else to lie about!
Make sure you click on over to the Leaderboards before leaving this page. The Pool Princess has renamed breakfast “Toast Island” but she’ll stop slinging the jam long enough to send out the next pool points chances. Next time on Survivor: Just when it seems like all is lost, Stephanie is writing HOPE in the sand! There may be a chance for Malolo yet! Tune in and we’ll see you there,