Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 8 recap!

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Pool Players Total Points

Pool Tribes Mini Teams

Survivors Weekly Points

Going Out Order

Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s time to turn up the furnace and settle in for another episode of Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Cole missed an advantage that was right under his nose and stood by helplessly as his boo Jessica was given the boot. After never going to a Tribal Council in the first part of the game, the Healers are now dangerously outnumbered by the Heroes and Hustlers. Will the Healers be able to find a cure for their predicament, or will they succumb to the Survivor sickness? After the vote, Joe is complimentary to the big move. “You have to appreciate it,” he says, before adding, “…but now you’ve released the devil.” Oh, no, not the devil! The next day, Lauren is hammering some nails into a tree for, I don’t know, a lark, and notices the rolled up piece of parchment in the bag. She quickly stuffs the parchment in her shorts, using a lost nail as a distraction. A lost nail? Don’t walk around barefoot! Lauren opens the parchment in private and it turns out she is the recipient of a new secret advantage. This advantage allows her to not vote at the next Tribal Council but then have two votes at a future Tribal Council. This is accomplished by Lauren swapping out a rolled-up piece of parchment when she goes to vote. Wait, can you just put any old rolled up piece of paper in the voting urn? Wouldn’t it be great if when Jeff went to read the votes there were just a whole bunch of old receipts and a Chinese food menu in there? Lauren is thrilled about her advantage, and I continue to be thrilled that Lauren wandered onto this show, seemingly straight out of an old old season of Survivor.

Challenge time! In this Reward Challenge the Survivors will compete in two teams to race through a ladder course and then use a slingshot to down five targets. The winners will receive a romantic spaghetti dinner, complete with breadsticks, salad, red wine, and Jeff Probst playing the accordion. Since the Survivors will be competing in teams that means one person will randomly sit out the challenge but they will go on the reward. That person turns out to be Joe, clearly thrilled that he’s not in command of any slingshots. The two teams are actually pretty lopsided, with JP, Devon, Chrissy, Cole and Ryan taking on Desi, Ben, Lauren, Mike and Ashley. Of course the team with former summer camp hunks JP, Devon, and Cole wins. Don’t change the channel yet, there’s another twist to this victory and it will take place at the reward. The reward will be served “family style” but you can put away that box of tissues because it actually means the reward will be given to the Survivors one at a time. They’ll all take turns eating from the same big plate of spaghetti and they’ll eat ALONE. Seriously, folks, there’s nothing more riveting than watching someone eat a plate of spaghetti by themselves. You know, I say that, and then I wonder if there’s a weird YouTube subculture devoted to people eating plates of spaghetti by themselves and there TOTALLY IS. Joe says that the reward will be a good time to try and woo one of the Hustlers over to his side, and it will also be a good time to be a sloppy spaghetti boy!

Joe is also in charge of determining the order in which the spaghetti is consumed, and he chooses Devon to go first since it is apparently Devon’s birthday. Go Devon, it’s your birthday, you’re gonna eat spaghetti like it’s your birthday. The show offers up a surprisingly bland #REWARD as Devon sits down at -I’m not kidding here- a card table set up in the woods with a tablecloth and a giant plate of spaghetti. Those of you hoping for an EAST SIDE MARIO’S product placement will be sorely disappointed! Devon gets his spaghetti on and as he hoists himself up from the chair, we see that there’s a hidden phrase buried underneath the pasta pile. JP is next to indulge and he misses the clue, too, leaving it open for none other than your boy COLE. Folks, I know this season of Survivor isn’t exactly setting the world on fire, but can we take a moment to appreciate the sheer uselessness of Cole? Cole seems to have two sides to his personality, and that’s the buff side and the hungry side. Of course he chows down enough pasta to see the clue underneath. The clue, by the way, is the ridiculously obvious THERE’S AN IDOL HIDDEN UNDER YOUR FLAG AT CAMP. No riddle to solve, no words to unscramble, heck it’s not even written backwards! Cole wants to keep the clue a secret, so he covers up the plate with a napkin. Ah, yes, that’s how all great family pasta dishes are served: on top of a cloth napkin. Next to eat is Chrissy, who knows that a clue has got to be nearby. She looks in the salad, she looks under the table, she looks in the trees, and eventually she looks hard enough to move the cloth napkin to find the clue underneath. The spaghetti is starting to noticeably thin at this point, and speaking of noticeably thin here’s Ryan up to eat. Ryan finds the clue and decides to finally be done with it by hiding the plate in the bushes. An oblivious Joe is the last to eat while Chrissy and Ryan whisper on the beach about the clue, which Cole overhears. What is with Chrissy and whispering? She does know that a whisper isn’t silent, right? Back at the camp everyone plays it cool but when Cole goes to pee Ryan knows he has a chance to dig under the flag. Ryan scurries off to the beach and begins to dig, getting just deep enough to grab the idol. He stuffs it in his shorts just as Cole bangs out of the bushes to dig for himself. Chrissy decides to get in the mix and the two of them tussle when Ben gets involved. Everyone back at camp wonders what all the commotion is about when Ashley just deadpans, amazingly, “An idol.” Ryan’s got it in his pants so everyone else comes up short, even though Ben thinks that Cole has found it. Ben accuses Cole of having the idol, and Cole decides to go along with it since, “bluffing is the only move I’ve got.” Uh, Cole, there’s another move you’ve got and that’s called telling everyone you don’t have the idol. I don’t know what Cole hopes to gain by telling people that he’s a threat. He’s about as threatening as an ice cream sandwich. He’s about as threatening as a song by Taylor Swift. He’s about as threatening as a broken milk carton!

Challenge time! In this Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to use a broomstick to keep a statue on a narrow ledge while balancing on a thin beam. You can tell Survivor production is concerned about the safety of these statues, since they’re falling into harmless sand instead of dramatically smashing into many pieces. It’s another balancing challenge and Dr. Mike is out first, which is ironic because you think he’d be better at handling a stiff pole– (“That’s enough” – ed).  One by one the Survivors unceremoniously drop their statues until we’re down to Cole, JP, and Desi. Desi already won immunity last week and is looking for a repeat, but she fumbles and drops leaving it up to JP and Cole. Thank goodness this isn’t a battle based on charisma! JP and Cole are so interchangeable they look like they could both play second base for the same team. JP and Cole both look like members of the evil fraternity in every college comedy. Cole ekes out a win, giving him immunity for good. Chrissy says that this throws a wrench in their plans, but they still have Healers left to choose from. Thank goodness, I was starting to worry that something interesting might happen on this show!

Back at the beach, Cole says that winning immunity was, “the bomb!” even though he was “bummed!” about not finding the idol. Gnarly, radical! Totally wavy! Ben outlines the vote to his alliance and says that the guys will vote for Joe and the girls will vote for Desi. Nothing on Survivor is ever quite this simple, and Joe decides to make a mad scramble to stay. Joe thinks he might be able to convince the Hustlers to join with him against the Heroes. He presents this plan to Devon and Ryan as Ben -incredibly- listens from the bushes, finally making the dream of Tony’s Spy Shack a Survivor reality. Joe doesn’t get much of anywhere with the Hustlers, and decides to try to blow up Ben’s game by saying that Ben has lied to everyone and has even swore on the Marine Corps. This is not true, as Ben explains to us in a series of confessionals that make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that Ben did not. Swear. On. The. Marine. Corps. “Well, alright, that’s that settled then,” you might say but apparently the show had some minutes to kill because this scene drags on, with Ben continuing to yell and Joe just sitting there saying, “Well, you could have said it.” Ben needs something but here’s Lauren with yet another complication. She tells him about her advantage, and says that she needs to play it at the next Tribal Council in order for it to work. This means that they can’t split the votes without there being a danger of someone else going home. Ben is now nervous that something wacky is going to happen, so he enlists the help of one Doctor Mike, asking if he’ll flip and vote with them to get out Joe. Mike just seems happy to be included but he doesn’t really show signs of straying. At Tribal Council, Jeff reminds us that Jessica (who?) was voted out last time and wonders if it’s going to be another Healer while pretty blatantly asking for something else to happen. It’s once again the Joe show, as Ben apologizes to Joe for yelling, even though he’s still sort of yelling in his apology. Ashley says she’s not sure if Joe is good at the game or just good at annoying people, and Joe even interrupts her during that. Lest you think Tribal Council is going to be all doom and gloom, Ben opens up about his time in the Marine Corps, and says that he’s still dealing with tough stuff out here. Devon opens up about how difficult Survivor is, and says that while he tries to be a “bright and beautiful light” he’s starting to feel a little dim. Jeff Probst congratulates everyone on a good therapy session and it’s finally time to vote. Lauren does indeed play her advantage, canceling her own vote. It works for the majority alliance, though, and they’re able to tie the vote between Desi and Joe. On the re-vote, Desi is unanimously sent packing, which is a pretty lousy way to end a respectable Survivor run. Joe tells Desi he didn’t flip on her way out, since Joe really does need to make every moment about Joe. I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t banged on in here while I write this wondering why I’m not writing more about Joe. He’s clearly the most important person out there!

Speaking of being important, make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess has ordered one hundred hot dogs in anticipation of something she’s calling “Franks-giving” but she promises to put down the ketchup and mustard long enough to send out the next bonus challenge. Next time on Survivor: Lauren tells Ben about her extra vote, Ryan tells Devon and Ben about his idol, and, if we’re lucky, JP tells another story about his truck. See you next week!

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Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 7 recap!

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Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! We’re knee-deep in another Wednesday and it’s time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Ryan and Chrissy stuck together to vote out Ali while some lumbering mass of granite named JP haplessly looked on. Twelve are left, can YOU name them all? Back at the Soko beach, Chrissy says that she is dominating the social game, and she has set herself up for a “nice future run.” Well I say lace up your sneakers and start running, Chrissy! Meanwhile, over at Yawa, Cole says that if his group just sticks together they can “accomplish so much.” Cole doesn’t give specifics, so I’ll assume he’s talking about completing a hundred piece jigsaw puzzle. Ben, however, is still wary of Cole and Jessica, and says that they do nothing but, “sit down there and play patty cake all day long.” All DAY long? Wouldn’t your hands get tired? Over at the Levu tribe it’s two versus two and they’re all out of food! Apparently they only have sugar left, which they’ve been eating for breakfast. You think this is a goof and then you see Devon shambling up the beach like the haunted zombie husk of Devon and then you realize the food deprivation is real. It sure seems like all three tribes could use a do-over! Indeed, as they approach challenge beach, Jeff gives them the good news to drop their buffs, the three tribes are merged! This gets a such a rapturous response you’d think Oprah was releasing the bees. Ben says that this is where Survivor starts so please tell me exactly what have we been watching for the past six weeks?

With the #MERGE comes #NEWBUFFS and these are a pretty purple color, which is what happens when you mix red and blue and, uh, yellow. This merge comes with a twist, though, since even though we all have new buffs there isn’t a feast in sight. It’s true, says Jeff, Survivor is not having a feast this year. Everyone looks crestfallen until Jeff explains that, instead, they’re all going to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE, apparently also known as THE STEAK AUTHORITY. Now there’s one authority I wouldn’t mind a run-in with! Jeff reminds us that at OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE there are “no rules, just right!” which is confusing in the game of Survivor where there are a lot of rules and most of the players are often wrong. By this point the merged tribe is so rhapsodically thrilled by the mere prospect of there being an OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE that when Ben learns there is “ribeye” involved he’s reduced to a puddle of goo on the merged tribe mat. Seriously, the tribe’s reaction to OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE is pretty much the opposite of what I feel whenever I happen to drive past an OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE and think, “Huh, Outback Steakhouse is still a thing.” A viscous pool of excited Survivors slithers their way over to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE, which has been conveniently hiding behind these trees this whole time. Joe tells the poor waitress that he wants “one of everything!” before ordering two steaks well-done. Joe is such a card! Cole tells us that he usually eats 8,000 calories a day, so a visit to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE is actually likely what the doctor had ordered. I’m sorry, eight thousand calories each day? I don’t care if you’re eating seven breakfasts like Michael Phelps, I don’t think that’s humanly possible. Jessica, meanwhile, is distracted by the Hot Outback Waiter, and giggles through ordering a “thunder from down under.” I sure hope poor, pure, Jessica has never had to order a “Moons over My Hammy.”  In case you were wondering how well Chrissy and Joe were going to get along, well, they’re not – as Joe’s loud style clashes with Chrissy’s, uh, ability to do mental math. Chrissy pretty boldly whispers to Ben -in front of everyone!- that she wants Joe gone, and that she’s pretty sure he’s found another idol. Ben says they can talk more in secret, presumably somewhere with fewer bloomin’ onions.

Merge beach, merge beach! There’s a whole pile of new supplies at the merge beach! This gives the Survivors an opportunity to build yet another shelter. Cole knows there has to be a hidden clue around there somewhere, but he just can’t find it! Nobody finds it, in fact, which will probably lead to an awkward situation where someone says, “Hey, what’s this bundle of parchment doing with the nails? Are these the instructions for the nails?” Devon and Ryan get to reconnect, and then Devon and Lauren get to reconnect and it really is like old Hustler home week on Survivor. Former Hustler Lauren seems to be closer with Dr. Mike than either of her old tribe mates now, though, and she checks in with the good Doctor to make sure they’re good. The merge has thrown poor Dr. Mike for a loop, since he wasn’t aware that anyone else was actually playing the game. Nah, Mike, it’s only you and the tumbleweeds out there! Ben, meanwhile, still can’t stand Cole, and this is illustrated when Cole doesn’t know what a cinnamon stick is and attempts to eat it. I’m sorry, Cole is supposed to be a wilderness survival guide? I’m not sure I would trust him to survive one night of glamping. Ben tells Mike that he’s not too sure about Cole, and then Mike goes and tells this right back to Cole. It’s fun when there’s intrigue and drama on Survivor, and yet it’s somehow less fun when all that drama is centered around literal food hole Cole.

Immunity time! The two statues are no more, and now the Survivors are playing for a big hoop necklace which represents Individual Immunity. In this first immunity challenge, the Survivors need to balance on a narrow board while keeping a ball spinning around a circle. If they drop or their ball drops it’s lights out. It’s nice to know Survivor is getting challenge ideas from old articles about hypnosis in Witches’ Weekly. While Ryan is out seconds in, everyone else is entranced by the hypnotic spinning and this is actually a pretty competitive challenge. The spinning eventually consumes most of the Survivors, and the unlikely duo of Ashley and Desi are the last two standing. Ashley drops and Desi wins the first Individual Immunity. Desi who? It’s not important.

Apparently the merged tribe is called SOLEWA, which I suppose is better than KO-VU-YA. After the challenge, Cole apologizes to Ben about not knowing how food works, and while Ben accepts his apology, he also takes some time to remind Cole to share his fish with the tribe and maybe don’t try to eat an entire cinnamon stick in one chomp. A nervous Cole blabs to Joe about the Yawa alliance. Thinking that the Healers will be able to stick together and vote out Chrissy, Joe immediately starts to weigh his idol options. The Hustlers and the Heroes have their big summit down at the beach where they decide it might make sense to target Jessica since she probably doesn’t have an idol and Joe probably wouldn’t play one for her. At Tribal Council, fire represents your life since we’re in DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and some of these losers have not even been to Tribal Council yet! Tribal Council is basically the Joe show, where he says that only three people are really in danger before throwing up the “deuces” and whipping out his idol. Talk about a thunder from down under! Proudly wearing his idol, Joe seems to have counted his horses before they can hatch. Before the votes are read, Joe plays the idol for himself, but it turns out to be a waste as the new super group outweighs the Healers, voting out Jessica over Chrissy seven to five. Speaking of numbers, there’s some brutally unnecessary math during the challenge when Jeff wonders out loud how much longer Ashley and Desi lasted than Ryan and everyone’s favorite actuary Chrissy pipes up with an answer. Is she right? Who can say – I’m not carrying my calculator! Look, I’m not saying this is a boring season of Survivor, but we’re sort of in a rough space when one of the highlights of the merge episode is someone doing mental math. What’s next, will someone be asked to name how many states are in the fifty states? Will Jeff show up with a blank periodic table and tell them to go nuts? Will there be a number and a letter of the day???

How about clicking over to some numbers that actually matter on this week’s Leaderboards. The Pool Princess claims to have elected herself “Town Whip” but promises to stop cracking it long enough to send out the next challenge. Next time on Survivor: all bets are off! It’s a whole new game! The Healers are probably doomed! See you there!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 6 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Survivors Weekly Points and Mini Team Points

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! Remember, remember the first of November, it’s time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Cole couldn’t stop eating and someone named Roark was voted out. Roark! You remember Roark! She was a healer! Her name was ROARK! In any event she’s gone now and Ali is none to happy about it. Ali confronts Ryan in front of the entire tribe, (which is really just two other people), to ask him why he didn’t tell her about the plan. Ryan says that he didn’t trust Roark, which doesn’t make any sense at all because it means that, by extension, he wouldn’t trust Ali, either. Ali says that Ryan kicked her to the curb, which is pretty accurate. Ryan defends himself, and says that he was worried that Roark and Ali were getting too close. Over at Yawa, Mike catches a fish with a spear. That’s it! Mike goes to cook the fish but it falls into the fire. “He’s gone, doc!” says Ben which leads to the unnecessary hashtag #HESGONEDOC. I’m really glad that social hashtags weren’t around in the 90’s because #HESGONEDOC probably would have ruined the moment on a powerful episode of ER. While Mike attempts to save the fish from the fire, we’re reminded that Cole just likes to eat, and it’s getting on the nerves of the rest of the tribe. Lauren says that she feels bad for Jessica hitching her wagon to Cole, since Jessica will just end up, “Going to live in a van with him, because he’s not leaving the van.” Lauren doesn’t seem to have much temper for young jerks, which is a refreshing change of pace for a show that’s often obsessed with the antics of young jerks.

Challenge time! In this Reward Challenge, the Survivors need to balance a buoy over a beam, use that buoy to unlock a boat, pull that boat out to sea and then knock down two targets with a slingshot. It’s a rare Survivor challenge where the tribes actually go back into the water as opposed to fleeing from it. The first tribe to finish will receive not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine, but TEN WHOLE PIZZAS to enjoy. Ten pizzas! Mamma mia, that’s a lot of ‘za! The second tribe to finish will receive not ten, not nine, not eight, not seven, not six, not five, not four, not three, not two, but ONE WHOLE PIZZA to enjoy. That is significantly less ‘za! The last tribe to finish won’t get any pizza, but they also won’t be saddled with the responsibility of what to do with ten empty pizza boxes. Are they going to build a tiny fort? The balance beam turns out to be trouble for Desi and Ashley, who take repeated tries to go across while the other tribes scurry by. It comes down to the slingshotting just as the waves start to fight back. This last part of the challenge takes place on top of an unfriendly ocean that is very wavy. It’s sort of like having a challenge take place on a trampoline. Ultimately, Soko and Yawa are both able to down their targets which means they’ll both be downing ‘za. Levu, I’ve got nothing for you, not even a single garlic knot!

Pizza day! Pizza day! As Chrissy stuffs an entire pizza into her maw we’re reminded of how valuable JP is to this tribe. Ryan says that JP’s strength makes him a big target after the merge, and that JP might be the next to go. During all this we get bits and pieces of a story JP tells about ARE YOU STTING DOWN a time he took a girl to the beach and then loaded his truck up with wood. Come on, Survivor, we get #HESGONEDOC but no #TRUCKWOOD? What is the purpose of this story? Is #TRUCKWOOD a romantic gesture? I feel like we missed the first forty five minutes of JP telling what is almost assuredly an endlessly boring tale and I am fascinated by it! Over at Levu, Ashley knows that her days are numbered since she’s outnumbered by Heroes. She talks with Devon and they agree to vote for Joe next and to try to get Desi to flip. While Devon and Joe go off to stuff hermit crabs into sacks, (no, seriously, that’s what they’re doing!), Ashley asks Desi if she’d consider voting for Joe. Desi says that she’s close with Joe, but she’d consider it since, “If [Joe] doesn’t get voted out, he wins this whole game.” Congratulations, Desi, it looks like you’ve finally figured out how Survivor works. That is perhaps the most basic this game can get, and it’s actually pretty hilarious to hear it spelled out. You know, he would have won the game if he hadn’t been voted out! Meanwhile, Joe acts like he’s hunting for crabs, but he’s actually looking for an idol clue. Lo and behold, he finds one, right on the side of a tree. The clue is the same as the one that was on his beach, confirming that there’s an undiscovered idol at the old Heroes tribe. You know, Joe may be a straight-to-video version of Tony, but he seems like a mostly OK guy and at least he’s trying to find these things. Joe says that this is not a vacation for him, (SOME VACATION!), and that he’s playing for his kids. Joe sneaks out under the cover of darkness to dig for the idol and finds it. Joe says that he didn’t mind digging in the dark, and that he would have dug even deeper if he needed to. Don’t dig too deep, Joe! You don’t want to hit the bedrock!

Back at Yawa a worm falls on Mike and everyone has a laugh about it. It’s raining worms! Hallelujah! It’s raining worms! Amen! I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get, lots of bait to use for fish! Don’t have too much fun, though, because here’s Cole just straight-up fainting at camp. Fainting, like he’s under a spell! Quick, somebody get the vapors! Where are the smelling salts? Someone find this man an appropriately-shaped couch! Mike and Jessica spring into action, using their medical skills to asses the situation and determine that, yeah, Cole is probably fine. They give him some rice and some water while Lauren -amazingly- just looks annoyed by the whole situation. Jessica tells us that it took Cole fainting for her to realize that she actually has deep feelings for him. You’ve got to get out of this van, Jessica! You don’t want to end up like Maggie Smith!

Challenge time! In this Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to work together to balance the word IMMUNITY in blocks while each holding onto a rope that’s holding the blocks up. This challenge requires a lot of working together, as well as knowing how to correctly spell “immunity” backwards. It also leads to a lot of tense moments since one person slacking on their rope can lead to the whole tower tumbling over. Indeed, each tribe takes at least one big tumble, which means they have to start from scratch. Eventually Yawa figures out a better way to do this challenge and makes up a lot of lost ground, winning immunity first, followed by Levu. This sends poor Soko back to Tribal Council. “Jeff must like us, we’re getting all these dates!” says JP, who once went on a date that involved truck wood, so I think he’s the authority here. JP tells us with no uncertainty that Ali is the next to go. Ali, for her part, decides to mend things with Ryan, and they apologize to each other about the last vote. Apparently Ryan was “petrified” of Roark, which I can understand because her name does sound like it should belong to an evil Harry Potter character. Ali and Ryan seem to agree that voting out JP is the best move since he could be a threat after the merge. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to know where JP is in the game since he barely appears to be playing the game at all. Ryan and Chrissy talk about JP possibly being an option while Chrissy reminds us that she once again holds all the power. Yikes. At Tribal Council, Ali says that the apologies helped to clear the air, while JP hilariously doesn’t say much of anything. He gives an incredible non-answer to one of Jeff’s questions, and it’s so blatant that even Jeff calls him out on it. Chrissy and Ryan try to explain that JP plays a quiet game. There’s a difference between playing a quiet game and just sort of being there. Folks, JP is no threat whatsoever, which is why it should be ultimately unsurprising that he’s safe this week and Ali is voted out. Ali is shocked that she once again trusted Ryan and he once again let her down. Poor Ali, she seemed like a great player who got on the wrong end of a particularly strong alliance. She didn’t really do anything to deserve to be voted out besides trust a man in a turtleneck twice. Adios, Ali. I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing you again soon.

Speaking of seeing each other soon, make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is on hold with Party City attempting to return a “gently used” cauldron and broom, but she promises to put down the phone long enough to send out the next bonus points. Next time on Survivor: it’s the merge! Here’s to hoping we get a decent tribe name. If they go with ‘Merica 2 I might not watch this show again! See you soon!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 5 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! The weather outside is frightful, just in time for tricks or treats! It’s time to ring the doorbell on a new episode of Survivor, chock full of terrifying thrills, chilling chills, and mostly ghostly spills! Previously on Survivor, Cole and Jessica were paired up on one tribe, and then another, while Ryan and Chrissy united over their shared immunity secret. Meanwhile, Devon had all the power at the blue tribe, but his vote was cancelled out by Jessica’s advantage. This lead to Joe playing his idol and Alan being unceremoniously sent home. After the vote, Ashley is nervous about her position in the tribe. She says that she was never on “team Alan” but he was a Hero and they planned to vote together. She credits Joe for his big move, saying, “I knew you were crazy, but I didn’t know you were smart!” Oh no, the dreaded “crazy / smart” combo! I suppose it’s better than “I knew you were smart, but I didn’t know you were crazy!” Over at the red tribe it’s time for some serious business, when a chunk of bamboo in the fire starts to pop, causing Ben to have a mental reaction. Turns out Ben has PTSD from his time in the Marines, so congratulations to Ben for finding the one thing I can’t goof about in this blog! Ben credits his family for helping him through, and says that he wants to play Survivor to be an inspiration to other veterans. Chrissy, meanwhile, is playing Survivor to be an inspiration to other financial analysts, presumably, while bellhops around the world are team Ryan and are tuning into to see someone just like them vie to be a millionaire!

Challenge time! In this Reward Challenge the Survivors need to get a ball over some sandy hills while slithering like snakes with their arms and legs bound. I don’t mean to kink shame, but you know there’s a very specific crowd out there getting their jollies by watching this. The Survivors then need to toss those balls into a very tall hoop. Where’s Cliff when you need him? Their reward will be iced coffee and pastries, with a side of gastrointestinal difficulties! This challenge is weird and painful to watch, especially when Ryan is unable to get control of his ball. He tries SO HARD to push it up the hill but it just rolls back down, not one, not twice, but THREE TIMES. Eventually Ryan makes it over the hill but it’s too late since the blue and the red tribes have already won reward. Ali is discouraged by defeat, but says that she needs to keep close to Ryan, since she knows they have a tight alliance. This is what we refer to in the industry as “foreshadowing.” File that line away for later, folks!

Coffee talk! Desi says that the blue tribe put their differences aside when it comes to their shared love of the bean. While everyone gets buzzed off of that sweet, sweet java, Devon tells us it might be the time to make a big move and vote out Joe. Remember, Joe is crazy, but he’s also smart! You can’t be both! Devon tells this plan to Ashley, who thinks they can rope in Desi, too. Wait, that’s like your entire tribe! Over at the yellow tribe, Ryan apologizes for being about as useful as a snake in a piano. Ryan explains that he’s just not very athletic, and that he needs to cater to his specific skill-set, which is carrying your bags up a flight of stairs and maybe calling you a taxi to the train depot. It’s true that Ryan’s social game is his strong suit, which is fitting since an actual suit would make him look like a middle schooler in a production of Death of a Salesman. Ali says that the Hustlers tribe was just a group of losers, and she’s glad to be with a more functional tribe. Are we playing golf because I just heard someone yell FORE!-shadowing! Save that one for later, folks! Ali says that Roark is the best for their game, and that Ali trusts her to stick with them. Too many things to file away for later! We’re going to need a bigger cabinet! Over at the red tribe, Cole has got his arm elbow-deep in a jar of jam. Seriously, he looks like he’s about to Winnie the Pooh his whole tribe’s food supply. Never one to trust a redhead or an overgrown child, Lauren says that Cole’s eating has become a distraction to the tribe. Even Jessica (Jessica!) says that between Cole sharing their secrets and his not-at-all metaphorical appetite, she’s not sure if she can trust him. Wait, Jessica, are you saying that the man licking peanut butter off of his paw like some sort of fictional cartoon bear might not be the one? Jessica and Mike take this conversation to the well, where Mike has the inspiration to dig for an idol since that’s where Cole and Joe found theirs. Lo and behold, Mike digs up an idol. Congratulations to Doctor Mike, as a fellow PhD MD USB I can confirm that is an idol in your pocket!

Challenge time! In this Immunity Challenge, the Survivors need to drag three heavy bags of rice off of a boat and then push them through a small hole and then carry them over a balance beam and THEN knife them open to get three balls inside and FINALLY maneuver those balls up a wall maze. I imagine this challenge was originally a lot shorter before someone piped up and said “Well, what if there was a balance beam?” Balance beam or nah, this looks like a pretty tough challenge, but at least we get some Halloween-appropriate shots of the Survivors just ripping into those bags of rice. Step aside, Jason Voorhees! Turns out that Chrissy is just as bad at balancing as Patrick was at beanbag tossing, and she puts the yellow tribe pretty far behind. While the other tribes manage to complete their mazes, Chrissy stubbornly stays put at hers, and yet isn’t able to sink any of her balls. Truly a hero! Blue and red win, sending yellow to their first Tribal Council, and, for Roark, her actual first Tribal Council. Roark! You remember Roark! She’s a healer! Ali likes her! Her name sounds like it’s part of the title for the new Thor movie, called Thor: Ragnarok! In theaters November 3rd!

Chrissy says she has to make some friends, so she goes to Roark first. Never a better time to start! Chrissy says that she can work with Roark and it can be, “You, me and JP,” which reminds me of the classic 2006 Owen Wilson comedy, You, Me and Dupree. No joke there, I just like to mention You, Me, and Dupree whenever I can. Roark, to her credit, sees through Chrissy’s bogus stuff and says that she really wants to vote Chrissy out. Chrissy, meanwhile, tells JP that Roark has been considering an all-girls alliance, which isn’t even remotely the case. JP is about as smart as a pile of rocks so he believes this immediately. Ali, meanwhile, wants to work with both Roark and Ryan to vote out Chrissy. Ryan reminds us he’s the swing vote, which is a pretty good place to be for someone who just thirty minutes prior was unable to nose a ball up a hill. At Tribal Council it’s time for Roark to grab a torch, which I think is one of those phrases acting students use to warm up. “Roark grab your torch, Roark grab your torch, Roark grab your torch.” Tribal Council immediately turns into Chrissy versus Roark, with Chrissy explaining that they just started talking today and Roark questioning, hmm, why would that be? Chrissy also gets in with Ali, who claims that Chrissy never gave anyone else a shot at the challenge. From what we saw this is true, but Chrissy claims to have asked for help many times. I don’t know about you, but Chrissy doesn’t seem like the kind to ask for help. Chrissy says that she’s, “out here doing the best [she] can!” so thank goodness for that. It’s time to vote and, alas, Ryan’s weird alliance with Chrissy prevails and he helps to send Roark home. Roark, bring me your torch! Your torch, Roark! It’s a disappointing end to an uneventful episode. At least Ali seems fittingly upset. JP? JP’s just happy to be there, folks.

Speaking of being happy to be here, make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess has grabbed her glove and says she’ll be in right field “shagging flies” but she promises to come back long enough to send out the next mini team challenge. Next time on Survivor: Cole faints! Cole! You remember Cole! He’s the one who’s got a mouth full of jam! The jaunty music suggests that Cole will be OK, so fingers crossed and we’ll see you next week!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 4 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Survivors Weekly Points

Pool Players Weekly Points

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! We’re knee deep into Fall and it’s time so sink into another episode of Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Chrissy and Ben were running the show for the Heroes, while Jessica and Cole were sharing special secrets for the Healers. Things weren’t so rosy for the Hustlers, where redheaded Patrick was feuding with softball fanatic Lauren. Patrick cost his tribe the challenge and they decided to send him packing. Don’t worry, nobody is going to try on his clothes! Instead we open at Challenge Beach where it’s time for -you guessed it (or you watched the preview)- a tribe swap! Tribe swap, tribe swap! It’s time for everyone to drop their buffs because these three tribes are changing into… three tribes! Since this show isn’t fun anymore the swap will be determined by random draw, which means we end up with a LOT of lopsided tribes. Most of these people haven’t met yet and it’s already time for their first reward challenge. The Survivors need to untangle a rope, pull a sled, and then solve a stand-up puzzle. The first tribe to finish, (and ONLY the first tribe!) will win peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as well as a big jar of peanut butter, a big jar of jelly, and what looks to be six or seven loaves of bread. Ah, yes, because when the tropical sun is beating down there is truly nothing more refreshing than a deliciously heavy PB&J. It is, truly, Peanut Butter Jelly Time. The new Red tribe works together surprisingly well, especially considering it’s the motley crew of Jessica, Lauren, Ben, Cole, and Dr. Mike. Also faring well is the new Yellow tribe with Ali, Chrissy, JP, Roark and Ryan. Not doing quite as well is the new Blue tribe, with Alan, Joe, Ashley, Desi, and Devon. Wait, you’re telling me a tribe with Joe AND Alan isn’t working well together? Well, they’re not! The Red tribe pulls off a convincing victory, even after a last gasp from the Yellow tribe threatens to squash their chances, just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich stuck in the bottom of a backpack. “It’s a PB&J bonanza!” Jeff exclaims, as a cannon full of sandwiches goes off behind him.

New tribes! Oh, these tribes do have actual names, which are Levu, Soko, and Yawa. Please don’t ask me which is which! I do know that Ben thinks the switch has “shot him in the foot” since he’s now outnumbered by Healers. Don’t worry about it for too long, though, because it’s time for the PB&J bonanza at the new Red tribe. In addition to the sandwiches, each Survivor is given a bag of potato chips. Wouldn’t you know it, but one of those bags contains a secret advantage, and it’s found by none other than Jessica. Jessica the virgin has always been secretive about her bag so I suppose it’s fitting that–(‘That’s enough” – ed). Jessica’s advantage is that she can block someone from voting at the next Tribal Council. If her tribe doesn’t go to Tribal, she can block someone on another tribe from voting. “Somebody’s angel was like, ‘Bing! There you go!'”” Jessica excitedly tells us. Wait, I don’t get it. Was the angel using the popular search engine Bing? Is Jessica’s angel Chandler Bing from the popular TV sitcom Friends? Does Jessica sing the song about the dog “B-I-N-G- and BING was his name!” In any event, Jessica tells Cole about her advantage because OF COURSE SHE DOES. Cole, being leakier than a sinking ship, promptly informs Ben and Lauren of the advantage. “It’s like my olive branch,” says Cole, who clearly isn’t expecting that branch back! Over at the new Yellow tribe, Ryan reveals that he gave Chrissy the secret idol in the first episode. I had forgotten that happened! Chrissy wonders why Ryan picked her. Is it because she’s just so effortlessly charming? No. Is it because she reminds him of his mom? No. Is it because she’s from Jersey? No. Is it because she ralphed up her lunch at the first challenge? Bing! Meanwhile, at the new Blue tribe, Devon discovers he’s the key swing vote. Ashley is upset that she ended up on a tribe with Alan, the one person she did not want to be with. To be fair, she never met Patrick. Joe, being Joe, decides to take this time to stir the pot, by telling Devon that Ashley and Alan are gunning for him. This isn’t true, and Devon isn’t sure if he should believe it, but it’s also just Joe being Joe. Joe could be reading you the clock when you call for the time of day and you still wouldn’t totally believe him.

Over at the new Red tribe, Lauren spills the beans to Dr. Mike that there might be an advantage in the game. Dr. Mike thinks that Cole has it, so he goes to Jessica. Jessica is, like, what? She can’t believe that Cole betrayed her again. This causes Jessica to have some sort of weird moment where she blames herself for trusting Cole, and then wonders if she can EVER trust ANYONE ever AGAIN. Between the two of us, I’m starting to suspect Jessica might be a few crayons short of a full box, if you know what I mean. Immunity challenge time! In this challenge the Survivors need to maneuver a heavy stack of puzzle pieces over a table and then under a net before unlocking a second set of pieces and then completing a puzzle so that all the correct colors intersect. The Blue tribe actually gets out to the lead here, even though everyone is pretty evenly matched. Alas, Ashley does not prove herself to be the master of unlocking, and she sets the Blue tribe back while the others pull ahead. The Red tribe wins again, followed by the Yellow tribe. Back at the beach, Alan says that their loss was deflating. Oh no, a former NFL player talking about deflation! Nobody tell Roger Goodell! Devon tells Ashley that Joe said Ashley and Alan were targeting him. Ashley debunks this, and Devon admits that it did sound like he was being talked to by, “a used car salesman.” I feel like that’s giving Joe too much credit. I would not buy a used car from Joe! Desi sees Ashley and Devon hugging and tells Joe about it. Joe decides it’s time for everyone, and I mean everyone, to air it out before Tribal Council begins. It’s almost like he wants to have Tribal Council right there in the middle of the afternoon. Alan calls him out on this, because it’s absurd, and gets Joe to admit that he wants to vote out Ashley. Joe also isn’t really able to make a good case for why Desi should stay, pretty much throwing her under the bus. After this nightmare, Desi tells Joe that he needs to play his idol for her in order for her to feel safe. Speaking of feeling safe, Devon has found the secret advantage that was secretly gifted to him by Jessica. He doesn’t know what it is, and can’t open it until Tribal Council, but hit’s got to be something good, right? Right?

It’s time for Tribal Council, which begins with a big old “What happened?” from Jeff. Turns out having Alan and Joe on the same tribe is not especially harmonious, and this turns into the Alan versus Joe show. At one point Alan says that Joe is like a cliffhanger, hanging from a cliff! Devon knows he’s in the middle, and seems pretty stoked to be there. Don’t get too excited, Devon, because it’s time to vote and time to reveal your, uh, advantage. Devon reads it aloud in front of everyone, and it turns out that Jessica has blocked Devon from voting at Tribal Council. Everyone can still vote for him, he just can’t be the swing vote. That stinks! It’s time to vote but before the votes are read Joe does decide to play the idol for himself. With Devon not voting the result is a tie between Joe and Alan, sending Alan home with only two votes. Yikes. That’s a pretty rotten way to go! Farewell to Alan, who was a bad player who was at least fun to watch. Hopefully he’ll go somewhere where the coconuts can be opened with simply a straw!

Make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is warming up in the bullpen but she promises to stop throwing sliders long enough to send out the next pool points opportunity. Next time on Survivor: they’re pushing balls around with their noses! Everyone is getting dirty! The game is afoot! There’s still so many of them left! Tune in and we’ll see you there!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 3 recap!

A full week and a day later… here’s the recap! I couldn’t let this one get away. Enjoy!

Remember Alan? He was in the NFL! Is he still in the NFL? Who can tell! Anyway about two weeks ago he got the crazy eye and stirred up some nonsense at Tribal Council, which didn’t really lead to much. Meanwhile, Joe and Cole found an Idol and “Simone was sent home.” I hope they use those rhymes every week! I’m particularly excited for “Mike took a flight” or “Joe was the next to go” or “Ryan said bye-bye…in!” Speaking of Ryan, it’s another Hustlers morning. In lieu of eulogizing Simone, Ryan and Patrick are trying on her clothes instead. “I look like Willy Wonka!” exclaims Ryan as he wears an oversized coat, but he does not sing or dance, so I’d say it’s more of a “Doctor Who.” Sometimes when someone is voted out of Survivor there’s a lot of anger and tears that night or the next day, and sometimes they have a yard sale of their possessions. I guess it’s not enough for Simone to be bad at the outdoors and voted out, she’s got to be ridiculed in the next episode, too. Ryan takes a break from trying on boots to say, in no uncertain terms, that Lauren is probably the next to go. Probably! In the shallow waters of deceit and betrayal Lauren and Ali make a pact to stick together. Lauren brings up again that Patrick misspoke at Tribal Council. “I have no idea what’s going on with Patrick” says Ali, a statement that could apply to just about anything Patrick says or does, including this moment, when he pretends that a rock is an octopus. He’s an idiot.

Heroic whales introduce us to the heroic Heroes beach. Chrissy and Ben are, “in the prime position!” Optimus Prime? Ben says that “seven days in, you could say that Chrissy and I are driving the train.” Do you really drive a train? Isn’t that what tracks are for? If they’re driving the train together, which one of them makes it go “choo-choo?” Alan, meanwhile, has got a lovely bunch of coconuts that he simply cannot open. I’ve seen a lot of dangerous things on this show, but Alan’s careless machete wielding makes me fear that this might turn into an accidental Friday the 13th situation. While Alan struggles with the coconuts, Ashley reminds us of her not-so-subtle feelings for JP, which can be summed up in the following quote: “Every time he comes out of the water with a different animal on his spear, something happens inside me!” No, you can’t script this show. However, Ashley can’t talk to much to JP because Alan already outed them as a couple. Turns out Alan was onto something after all! Ashley takes this frustration to Ben, and says that JP could be their puppy, “we could train him!” Family show, Ashley, Family show! Time to check in with the Healers. The Healers! You remember them! They win challenges! There’s Joe, and Cole, and Dr. Mike, and whatshername and the other whatshername and the other other whatshername. Oh, one of the whatshernames is apparently named Jessica, and Joe is worried that she’s getting too close to Cole. Joe, for his part, is “ cool and collective” a phrase he absolutely did not steal from a certain past Survivor. Joe thinks that Cole and Jessica could be dangerous together, saying, “The love bird disease is dangerous! It’s worse than the flu!” Speaking of disease here’s Cole and Jessica on the Love Raft, which is also the name of my favorite tune by the B-52s imposter group, the C-53s. “Love Raft, it’s a little floating place where we can fish together!” Jessica is smitten with Cole, but she doesn’t know what romance means because she’s a DISNEY PRINCESS wait, no, she said “virgin.” Congratulations? “We have a long time left together, I hope,” says Jessica, and that makes one of us! Cole decides to extend his romance by telling Jessica that he has other information. What other information? Indeed, Cole tells Jessica that Joe found the idol. This gains him a kiss on the cheek from Jessica, who tells us, “My kisses are very private.” Thank goodness Cole only told Jessica that someone else had the idol!

Hustlers! Ryan is nervous that Patrick is searching for the idol, which Patrick absolutely is. Remember how Dr. Mike was bad at this? Well, Patrick is impossibly worse, just wandering off from camp and sticking his arm elbow-deep into trees. Patrick tells us that he has “idol fever.” I’ve got it too! Also, apparently Patrick OWNS a MOVING COMPANY which, given his overall competence, I imagine he inherited in some sort of ‘Mr. Deeds’ scenario. Over at the Healers, we have another set of poor social skills, with Joe complaining that his food is raw. On Survivor. You know, the show where you eat what you can to survive. It’s in the name of the show! Someone named Desi says that Joe had some issues with the cooking, and that he chucks food he doesn’t want into the woods. That potato belongs to the forest now! Cole takes this moment to craft a plan to oust Joe with the idol, a plan that he first presents to snuggle buddy Jessica. But it’s not enough to just tell Jessica, Cole also spills the beans to Roark. This doesn’t sit well with Jessica, who thinks the decisions should be made by a “we.” Oh, and then Cole also tells Desi, too, for good measure. Now Jessica isn’t sure if blindsiding Joe is the best strategy. Don’t tell me she wasted a rare kiss for nothing!

Challenge time! In this Immunity and Reward Challenge the Survivors need to race through some obstacles, use sandbags to knock some blocks off of a ledge and then clan up their mess by stacking their blocks in a big old tower. The first tribe to finish will win not one, not two, not three, but four chickens. It’s cool that there are chickens on this show, but it would be nice if the reward was a different bird. Wouldn’t it be fancy if Jeff was like, “We got a bigger budget this year, I don’t know, here’s some quail!” The second tribe to finish will win a dozen unrefrigerated eggs, allegedly courtesy of the chickens. It’s time to find out who’s good at carnival games! Turns out that our friend Patrick is bad at both sandbag tossing and sharing. It’s a close challenge, but the Heroes win Immunity, thanks to a mistake by the Healers. The Heroes can’t decide on a victory chant, which is kind of endearing. After Patrick straight-up refuses to leave the throwing mat the Healers pull out a second place. For a tribe that wins a lot of challenges we really have not spent that much time with the Healers. I fear this will eventually be bad news for “Roark”! After the challenge it’s time for a Jeff Probst interview session. Patrick says it’s depressing that they have to go back to Tribal, while Lauren is refreshingly more realistic. “We’ve got to do it,” she says, before explaining to us that she’s been playing center field for twenty-five years. “I can hit a catcher in the forehead!” Lauren proclaims, and I hope she’s still talking about softball!

Hustlers day eight! Patrick sort of apologizes for hogging the challenge, but he doesn’t think that Lauren would have done much. This one really seems like a winner, folks. Upsettingly, the guys and Ali are on Patrick’s side, or at least that’s what they tell us. After they tell Patrick that he’s safe, Patrick decides to try and patch things up with Lauren to make sure she, uh, enjoys her time here. Lauren, incredibly, sees right through this, and calls Patrick’s bluff. “Redheads don’t do very well at lying,” says Lauren. Oh no, is this going to get uncomfortable? Lauren frets her frustration to Ali, who starts to seem to agree. Patrick, meanwhile, hits a tree against another tree for, I don’t know, reasons. Lauren next appeals to Ryan, saying he’s the oddball and she’s the old woman. Little known Hollywood trivia, the Oddball and the Old Lady was the original title of ‘Harold and Maude.’ Ryan and Devon take a walk and realize that they can dictate the vote. This takes us into Tribal Council, where Patrick one again sort of apologizes. “There’s a point where it could be my fault we lost the challenge” he says. You think? Lauren calls out Patrick for looking for the idol, and says that she’s never trusted a redhead a day in her life. Not even Ron Weasley? Patrick assures us that he can make people feel loved and comforted, which he has prove by, uh, annoying and alienating his tribe? It’s time to vote and in something of a surprise it’s Patrick who gets the unanimous boot. He’s shocked, and looks really upset on his way out. Goodbye to Patrick. Maybe you’ll find a tree to throw at another tree at Ponderosa! Next time on Survivor: we’ve barely met the entire cast and it’s already time for a tribe swap. Finally, a chance to see Desi interact with Roark! Wait, they’re already on the same tribe? You don’t say!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 3 update!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Pool Tribes Points

Hello, Pool Players! The updated Pool standings are above. We’ll be back on Sunday (probably!) with a full recap. Until then, you’ll just need to resort to telling strangers on the street how bad Patrick was at Survivor. He was so bad! Remember when he thought a rock was an octopus? Remember when he threw that tree at that other tree? Remember when he made Lauren admit her (possibly troubling) feelings about redheads? All that and more awaits! Until then, make sure to check out the Leaderboards to see where you stand. See you soon!