Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s a windy Wednesday and time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor we asked ourselves who the heck are these people? Quick, name the Healers! Did you only get to four? I bet you forgot Roark! Also, Olympian Katrina was voted out after Financial Analyst Chrissy didn’t use the super idol that Bellhop Ryan gave to her. Don’t worry about all these names because it’s not important! ALSO, Alan caused a scene by implying that JP and Ashley were a super couple in control of the idol. That’s only half true, but it’s true enough for Alan to be proud of it! We return back to the Heroes beach, where nary a tear is shed for the booted Katrina. Chrissy tells us that her own position in the game is totally flipped, and now she has a useless Idol that can be used as a decoy. Alan says that Tribal was intense but that he achieved his mission of creating suspicion. Unfortunately, he seems to have just annoyed Ashley and JP who are TOTALLY NOT A POWER DUO so don’t even question it! Ben says that this tribe is, “like old paint” WAIT DO GO ON “because it’s cracked and fractured.” Ben really needed to dig down into the big old bag of similes for that charmer, eh? Look, I’m not saying Ben doesn’t know a thing or two about old paint, but maybe work on your analogies before you start playing the game.
Hustlers beach, Hustlers beach! Simone bats away some bugs while Ryan yammers on about “The Hustler Mantra,” which apparently does not involve listening to Rick Ross’s “Everyday I’m Hustling” on repeat. Ryan does inform us that he thinks Simone is weird, which, if Ryan thinks you’re weird it might be time for a good long look in the elevator mirror. Simone tries to fit in by taking a “aqua dump” and then reporting back to her tribe about it. Between you and me I think the show really missed a hashtag opportunity by not throwing up “#AQUADUMP.” The concept of the Aqua Dump is really ingenious because it’s something that you only see on Survivor, or at a pool party gone wrong. For her part, Simone tells us that she’s not used to, uh, being outdoors, and cries, “It’s hot all the time and there’s no air conditioning!” No air conditioning? What is this, a movie theater? On the other hand, as the #AQUADUMP proved, Simone is up to a challenge, and proves it by gutting a fish. Simone says that she knows she can be good at Survivor because she has ten brothers and sisters. I’m sure you’ve met them, there’s Simone, Simtwo, Simthree, The Sims 4, The Sims: Hot Date, The Sims 2: Pets, The Sims: IKEA Home Stuff Pack, Sim City, Sim City 2000 and Sim Ant. Meanwhile, the pan flute of healing welcomes us to the Healers beach where Jessica is trying to catch a fish really really hard. She’s trying so hard! Alas it turns out to be “the worst game of cat and mouse” which doesn’t even make sense because you’re a human trying to catch a fish. Those are completely different animals! Jessica and Cole bond on the raft of romance while I try to think up a good name for them. Jole? Colesica? Cole slaw? Back at the beach we learn that Desi was Miss Virginia twice, once for Miss America and once for Miss U.S.A. What do you think her talent was? I hope it involved puppets! Mike and Joe goof that they should be on the beauty tribe, even though Joe tells Mike, hilariously, “you is one ugly dude!” All this fun at camp is seriously taking up time Joe could be looking for the idol, so he decides to sneak away while everyone is off and lo and behold he finds a clue. Interestingly, this clue is etched into the trunk of a tree, right underneath “ROB + AMBR 4EVER” and “RUSSELL STINKZ.” Joe thinks that the clue has to do with the raft, since it’s in the shape of a raft. Joe decides to tell Cole about the clue since Cole has spent the whole day on the raft, getting tan and hanging with Jessica, bro. Cole tells him that the clue is actually referring to the well, since they share the same symbol. Honestly this seems pretty obvious but Joe owns up to the fact that he probably wouldn’t have figured that out on his own. Cole and Joe dig by the well and get your Idol count ready because here’s one for Joe. I’m pretty sure every time a bald guy finds an idol on Survivor Tony gets another pair of wings.
Back from the break we get a very heroic JP taking care of business by catching a fish or something. JP tells us that he’s not super into drama and he’s not much for strategy, (“Then why are you here???”), but that he can play the game when he needs to. He decides to align, apparently, with Chrissy, who is looking for a new alliance. Chrissy exclaims that nobody would see the two of them working together, unless, that is, they’ve seen the second season of Survivor. Chrissy is actually making alliances with everybody and is playing them all, except for Ben, who she thinks is legit. A little folkiness and some old paint goes a long way! Over at the Hustlers, Devon is waking up with some mindful yoga while Patrick is doing some mindless yelling. Turns out that Patrick is actually a major doofus on pretty much all fronts. He picks up a crab and screams, not because he’s been injured but because he’s afraid of crabs. He’s also generally loud and annoying and seems to have difficulty controlling the VOLUME OF HIS VOICE. He’s described as a “Wild Banshee” which leads to the helpful hashtag, “#WILDBANSHEE” which is too cool of a phrase to be wasted on a dolt like Patrick. The Wild Banshee should be like a cool 80’s wrestler, or a cool 80’s lady punk band or a cool whiskey concoction that you regret before you drink it.
Challenge time! In this Reward & Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to dive down underwater and untie some puzzle pieces before bringing the pieces to land and solving a three-dimensional rotating puzzle. Three dimensions are cool, but when is Survivor going to have a true 4D puzzle? What is the fourth dimension? Smell-o-vision? Feel around? Will Jeff Probst come through the television like the girl from The Ring? In any event it’s too bad we lost Katrina before the swimming challenge but here we are! The Hustlers and Heroes get off to decent starts while the Healers tribe takes a while retrieving their pieces. Turns out that time wasn’t lost as Mike and Desi make pretty quick work of the puzzle and the Healers win another challenge. It’s down to the Hustlers and the Heroes and Patrick’s yelling can’t save his tribe this time. The Heroes win sending the Hustlers to their first Tribal Council. Everyday they’re hustling, hustling, and packing for a date with Jeff!
After their loss, Simone (of all people!) attempts to give a motivational speech. She’s no Rudy! Simone says that she knows she’s in trouble, but she’s going to try to “shape the narrative” by putting the focus on Patrick instead. Never one to be out of the spotlight, Patrick is seen chewing on a branch. Simone attempts to convince Lauren and Ali to vote out Patrick and they both seem on board. Ali talks to Ryan about it, who is a little more hesitant, but concedes that Patrick is both a loose canon and a leaky ship. At Tribal Council Ryan sets the stage by saying that it’s like the bad birthday party your mom makes you go to for the kid you don’t like and wait hold on, my apologies to “Ben’s old paint” because we have a new worst simile of the episode. Even Jeff Probst seems baffled by this analogy. Lauren chimes in and says that it’s more like a funeral. Can we settle on un-birthday? Simone says that if this were old-school Survivor they would just vote out the weakest members, but now it’s something else. Shaping the narrative? Old-school Survivor? SOMEONE has been listening to a few podcasts! Jeff asks Patrick if there is trust in the group, and Patrick immediately junks it up by saying “I trust most of the people here.” Most… of? This puts everyone on edge, and Jeff Probst hammers it home, desperate for something interesting to happen. Simone reminds us that Survivor is 100% real and, as I have often said, you can’t beat 100%. It’s time to vote and Simone is unceremoniously and unanimously removed, making her the second person voted out of the game. Adios, Simone! May the places you go be filled with air conditioning! I’m not really sure why you were playing this game to begin with and I don’t think you were, either!
Speaking of playing the game it’s time for you to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is still upset “Seal Team” isn’t about a team of adorable seals but she’ll set aside her differences long enough to send out the next pool point opportunity. Next time on Survivor: Cole knows Joe has an idol! Leaky ship, leaky ship! We’ll see you next week.