Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 7 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! We’re knee-deep in another Wednesday and it’s time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Ryan and Chrissy stuck together to vote out Ali while some lumbering mass of granite named JP haplessly looked on. Twelve are left, can YOU name them all? Back at the Soko beach, Chrissy says that she is dominating the social game, and she has set herself up for a “nice future run.” Well I say lace up your sneakers and start running, Chrissy! Meanwhile, over at Yawa, Cole says that if his group just sticks together they can “accomplish so much.” Cole doesn’t give specifics, so I’ll assume he’s talking about completing a hundred piece jigsaw puzzle. Ben, however, is still wary of Cole and Jessica, and says that they do nothing but, “sit down there and play patty cake all day long.” All DAY long? Wouldn’t your hands get tired? Over at the Levu tribe it’s two versus two and they’re all out of food! Apparently they only have sugar left, which they’ve been eating for breakfast. You think this is a goof and then you see Devon shambling up the beach like the haunted zombie husk of Devon and then you realize the food deprivation is real. It sure seems like all three tribes could use a do-over! Indeed, as they approach challenge beach, Jeff gives them the good news to drop their buffs, the three tribes are merged! This gets a such a rapturous response you’d think Oprah was releasing the bees. Ben says that this is where Survivor starts so please tell me exactly what have we been watching for the past six weeks?

With the #MERGE comes #NEWBUFFS and these are a pretty purple color, which is what happens when you mix red and blue and, uh, yellow. This merge comes with a twist, though, since even though we all have new buffs there isn’t a feast in sight. It’s true, says Jeff, Survivor is not having a feast this year. Everyone looks crestfallen until Jeff explains that, instead, they’re all going to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE, apparently also known as THE STEAK AUTHORITY. Now there’s one authority I wouldn’t mind a run-in with! Jeff reminds us that at OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE there are “no rules, just right!” which is confusing in the game of Survivor where there are a lot of rules and most of the players are often wrong. By this point the merged tribe is so rhapsodically thrilled by the mere prospect of there being an OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE that when Ben learns there is “ribeye” involved he’s reduced to a puddle of goo on the merged tribe mat. Seriously, the tribe’s reaction to OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE is pretty much the opposite of what I feel whenever I happen to drive past an OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE and think, “Huh, Outback Steakhouse is still a thing.” A viscous pool of excited Survivors slithers their way over to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE, which has been conveniently hiding behind these trees this whole time. Joe tells the poor waitress that he wants “one of everything!” before ordering two steaks well-done. Joe is such a card! Cole tells us that he usually eats 8,000 calories a day, so a visit to the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE is actually likely what the doctor had ordered. I’m sorry, eight thousand calories each day? I don’t care if you’re eating seven breakfasts like Michael Phelps, I don’t think that’s humanly possible. Jessica, meanwhile, is distracted by the Hot Outback Waiter, and giggles through ordering a “thunder from down under.” I sure hope poor, pure, Jessica has never had to order a “Moons over My Hammy.”  In case you were wondering how well Chrissy and Joe were going to get along, well, they’re not – as Joe’s loud style clashes with Chrissy’s, uh, ability to do mental math. Chrissy pretty boldly whispers to Ben -in front of everyone!- that she wants Joe gone, and that she’s pretty sure he’s found another idol. Ben says they can talk more in secret, presumably somewhere with fewer bloomin’ onions.

Merge beach, merge beach! There’s a whole pile of new supplies at the merge beach! This gives the Survivors an opportunity to build yet another shelter. Cole knows there has to be a hidden clue around there somewhere, but he just can’t find it! Nobody finds it, in fact, which will probably lead to an awkward situation where someone says, “Hey, what’s this bundle of parchment doing with the nails? Are these the instructions for the nails?” Devon and Ryan get to reconnect, and then Devon and Lauren get to reconnect and it really is like old Hustler home week on Survivor. Former Hustler Lauren seems to be closer with Dr. Mike than either of her old tribe mates now, though, and she checks in with the good Doctor to make sure they’re good. The merge has thrown poor Dr. Mike for a loop, since he wasn’t aware that anyone else was actually playing the game. Nah, Mike, it’s only you and the tumbleweeds out there! Ben, meanwhile, still can’t stand Cole, and this is illustrated when Cole doesn’t know what a cinnamon stick is and attempts to eat it. I’m sorry, Cole is supposed to be a wilderness survival guide? I’m not sure I would trust him to survive one night of glamping. Ben tells Mike that he’s not too sure about Cole, and then Mike goes and tells this right back to Cole. It’s fun when there’s intrigue and drama on Survivor, and yet it’s somehow less fun when all that drama is centered around literal food hole Cole.

Immunity time! The two statues are no more, and now the Survivors are playing for a big hoop necklace which represents Individual Immunity. In this first immunity challenge, the Survivors need to balance on a narrow board while keeping a ball spinning around a circle. If they drop or their ball drops it’s lights out. It’s nice to know Survivor is getting challenge ideas from old articles about hypnosis in Witches’ Weekly. While Ryan is out seconds in, everyone else is entranced by the hypnotic spinning and this is actually a pretty competitive challenge. The spinning eventually consumes most of the Survivors, and the unlikely duo of Ashley and Desi are the last two standing. Ashley drops and Desi wins the first Individual Immunity. Desi who? It’s not important.

Apparently the merged tribe is called SOLEWA, which I suppose is better than KO-VU-YA. After the challenge, Cole apologizes to Ben about not knowing how food works, and while Ben accepts his apology, he also takes some time to remind Cole to share his fish with the tribe and maybe don’t try to eat an entire cinnamon stick in one chomp. A nervous Cole blabs to Joe about the Yawa alliance. Thinking that the Healers will be able to stick together and vote out Chrissy, Joe immediately starts to weigh his idol options. The Hustlers and the Heroes have their big summit down at the beach where they decide it might make sense to target Jessica since she probably doesn’t have an idol and Joe probably wouldn’t play one for her. At Tribal Council, fire represents your life since we’re in DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and some of these losers have not even been to Tribal Council yet! Tribal Council is basically the Joe show, where he says that only three people are really in danger before throwing up the “deuces” and whipping out his idol. Talk about a thunder from down under! Proudly wearing his idol, Joe seems to have counted his horses before they can hatch. Before the votes are read, Joe plays the idol for himself, but it turns out to be a waste as the new super group outweighs the Healers, voting out Jessica over Chrissy seven to five. Speaking of numbers, there’s some brutally unnecessary math during the challenge when Jeff wonders out loud how much longer Ashley and Desi lasted than Ryan and everyone’s favorite actuary Chrissy pipes up with an answer. Is she right? Who can say – I’m not carrying my calculator! Look, I’m not saying this is a boring season of Survivor, but we’re sort of in a rough space when one of the highlights of the merge episode is someone doing mental math. What’s next, will someone be asked to name how many states are in the fifty states? Will Jeff show up with a blank periodic table and tell them to go nuts? Will there be a number and a letter of the day???

How about clicking over to some numbers that actually matter on this week’s Leaderboards. The Pool Princess claims to have elected herself “Town Whip” but promises to stop cracking it long enough to send out the next challenge. Next time on Survivor: all bets are off! It’s a whole new game! The Healers are probably doomed! See you there!

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Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 6 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Survivors Weekly Points and Mini Team Points

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! Remember, remember the first of November, it’s time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Cole couldn’t stop eating and someone named Roark was voted out. Roark! You remember Roark! She was a healer! Her name was ROARK! In any event she’s gone now and Ali is none to happy about it. Ali confronts Ryan in front of the entire tribe, (which is really just two other people), to ask him why he didn’t tell her about the plan. Ryan says that he didn’t trust Roark, which doesn’t make any sense at all because it means that, by extension, he wouldn’t trust Ali, either. Ali says that Ryan kicked her to the curb, which is pretty accurate. Ryan defends himself, and says that he was worried that Roark and Ali were getting too close. Over at Yawa, Mike catches a fish with a spear. That’s it! Mike goes to cook the fish but it falls into the fire. “He’s gone, doc!” says Ben which leads to the unnecessary hashtag #HESGONEDOC. I’m really glad that social hashtags weren’t around in the 90’s because #HESGONEDOC probably would have ruined the moment on a powerful episode of ER. While Mike attempts to save the fish from the fire, we’re reminded that Cole just likes to eat, and it’s getting on the nerves of the rest of the tribe. Lauren says that she feels bad for Jessica hitching her wagon to Cole, since Jessica will just end up, “Going to live in a van with him, because he’s not leaving the van.” Lauren doesn’t seem to have much temper for young jerks, which is a refreshing change of pace for a show that’s often obsessed with the antics of young jerks.

Challenge time! In this Reward Challenge, the Survivors need to balance a buoy over a beam, use that buoy to unlock a boat, pull that boat out to sea and then knock down two targets with a slingshot. It’s a rare Survivor challenge where the tribes actually go back into the water as opposed to fleeing from it. The first tribe to finish will receive not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine, but TEN WHOLE PIZZAS to enjoy. Ten pizzas! Mamma mia, that’s a lot of ‘za! The second tribe to finish will receive not ten, not nine, not eight, not seven, not six, not five, not four, not three, not two, but ONE WHOLE PIZZA to enjoy. That is significantly less ‘za! The last tribe to finish won’t get any pizza, but they also won’t be saddled with the responsibility of what to do with ten empty pizza boxes. Are they going to build a tiny fort? The balance beam turns out to be trouble for Desi and Ashley, who take repeated tries to go across while the other tribes scurry by. It comes down to the slingshotting just as the waves start to fight back. This last part of the challenge takes place on top of an unfriendly ocean that is very wavy. It’s sort of like having a challenge take place on a trampoline. Ultimately, Soko and Yawa are both able to down their targets which means they’ll both be downing ‘za. Levu, I’ve got nothing for you, not even a single garlic knot!

Pizza day! Pizza day! As Chrissy stuffs an entire pizza into her maw we’re reminded of how valuable JP is to this tribe. Ryan says that JP’s strength makes him a big target after the merge, and that JP might be the next to go. During all this we get bits and pieces of a story JP tells about ARE YOU STTING DOWN a time he took a girl to the beach and then loaded his truck up with wood. Come on, Survivor, we get #HESGONEDOC but no #TRUCKWOOD? What is the purpose of this story? Is #TRUCKWOOD a romantic gesture? I feel like we missed the first forty five minutes of JP telling what is almost assuredly an endlessly boring tale and I am fascinated by it! Over at Levu, Ashley knows that her days are numbered since she’s outnumbered by Heroes. She talks with Devon and they agree to vote for Joe next and to try to get Desi to flip. While Devon and Joe go off to stuff hermit crabs into sacks, (no, seriously, that’s what they’re doing!), Ashley asks Desi if she’d consider voting for Joe. Desi says that she’s close with Joe, but she’d consider it since, “If [Joe] doesn’t get voted out, he wins this whole game.” Congratulations, Desi, it looks like you’ve finally figured out how Survivor works. That is perhaps the most basic this game can get, and it’s actually pretty hilarious to hear it spelled out. You know, he would have won the game if he hadn’t been voted out! Meanwhile, Joe acts like he’s hunting for crabs, but he’s actually looking for an idol clue. Lo and behold, he finds one, right on the side of a tree. The clue is the same as the one that was on his beach, confirming that there’s an undiscovered idol at the old Heroes tribe. You know, Joe may be a straight-to-video version of Tony, but he seems like a mostly OK guy and at least he’s trying to find these things. Joe says that this is not a vacation for him, (SOME VACATION!), and that he’s playing for his kids. Joe sneaks out under the cover of darkness to dig for the idol and finds it. Joe says that he didn’t mind digging in the dark, and that he would have dug even deeper if he needed to. Don’t dig too deep, Joe! You don’t want to hit the bedrock!

Back at Yawa a worm falls on Mike and everyone has a laugh about it. It’s raining worms! Hallelujah! It’s raining worms! Amen! I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna let myself get, lots of bait to use for fish! Don’t have too much fun, though, because here’s Cole just straight-up fainting at camp. Fainting, like he’s under a spell! Quick, somebody get the vapors! Where are the smelling salts? Someone find this man an appropriately-shaped couch! Mike and Jessica spring into action, using their medical skills to asses the situation and determine that, yeah, Cole is probably fine. They give him some rice and some water while Lauren -amazingly- just looks annoyed by the whole situation. Jessica tells us that it took Cole fainting for her to realize that she actually has deep feelings for him. You’ve got to get out of this van, Jessica! You don’t want to end up like Maggie Smith!

Challenge time! In this Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to work together to balance the word IMMUNITY in blocks while each holding onto a rope that’s holding the blocks up. This challenge requires a lot of working together, as well as knowing how to correctly spell “immunity” backwards. It also leads to a lot of tense moments since one person slacking on their rope can lead to the whole tower tumbling over. Indeed, each tribe takes at least one big tumble, which means they have to start from scratch. Eventually Yawa figures out a better way to do this challenge and makes up a lot of lost ground, winning immunity first, followed by Levu. This sends poor Soko back to Tribal Council. “Jeff must like us, we’re getting all these dates!” says JP, who once went on a date that involved truck wood, so I think he’s the authority here. JP tells us with no uncertainty that Ali is the next to go. Ali, for her part, decides to mend things with Ryan, and they apologize to each other about the last vote. Apparently Ryan was “petrified” of Roark, which I can understand because her name does sound like it should belong to an evil Harry Potter character. Ali and Ryan seem to agree that voting out JP is the best move since he could be a threat after the merge. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to know where JP is in the game since he barely appears to be playing the game at all. Ryan and Chrissy talk about JP possibly being an option while Chrissy reminds us that she once again holds all the power. Yikes. At Tribal Council, Ali says that the apologies helped to clear the air, while JP hilariously doesn’t say much of anything. He gives an incredible non-answer to one of Jeff’s questions, and it’s so blatant that even Jeff calls him out on it. Chrissy and Ryan try to explain that JP plays a quiet game. There’s a difference between playing a quiet game and just sort of being there. Folks, JP is no threat whatsoever, which is why it should be ultimately unsurprising that he’s safe this week and Ali is voted out. Ali is shocked that she once again trusted Ryan and he once again let her down. Poor Ali, she seemed like a great player who got on the wrong end of a particularly strong alliance. She didn’t really do anything to deserve to be voted out besides trust a man in a turtleneck twice. Adios, Ali. I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing you again soon.

Speaking of seeing each other soon, make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is on hold with Party City attempting to return a “gently used” cauldron and broom, but she promises to put down the phone long enough to send out the next bonus points. Next time on Survivor: it’s the merge! Here’s to hoping we get a decent tribe name. If they go with ‘Merica 2 I might not watch this show again! See you soon!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 5 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! The weather outside is frightful, just in time for tricks or treats! It’s time to ring the doorbell on a new episode of Survivor, chock full of terrifying thrills, chilling chills, and mostly ghostly spills! Previously on Survivor, Cole and Jessica were paired up on one tribe, and then another, while Ryan and Chrissy united over their shared immunity secret. Meanwhile, Devon had all the power at the blue tribe, but his vote was cancelled out by Jessica’s advantage. This lead to Joe playing his idol and Alan being unceremoniously sent home. After the vote, Ashley is nervous about her position in the tribe. She says that she was never on “team Alan” but he was a Hero and they planned to vote together. She credits Joe for his big move, saying, “I knew you were crazy, but I didn’t know you were smart!” Oh no, the dreaded “crazy / smart” combo! I suppose it’s better than “I knew you were smart, but I didn’t know you were crazy!” Over at the red tribe it’s time for some serious business, when a chunk of bamboo in the fire starts to pop, causing Ben to have a mental reaction. Turns out Ben has PTSD from his time in the Marines, so congratulations to Ben for finding the one thing I can’t goof about in this blog! Ben credits his family for helping him through, and says that he wants to play Survivor to be an inspiration to other veterans. Chrissy, meanwhile, is playing Survivor to be an inspiration to other financial analysts, presumably, while bellhops around the world are team Ryan and are tuning into to see someone just like them vie to be a millionaire!

Challenge time! In this Reward Challenge the Survivors need to get a ball over some sandy hills while slithering like snakes with their arms and legs bound. I don’t mean to kink shame, but you know there’s a very specific crowd out there getting their jollies by watching this. The Survivors then need to toss those balls into a very tall hoop. Where’s Cliff when you need him? Their reward will be iced coffee and pastries, with a side of gastrointestinal difficulties! This challenge is weird and painful to watch, especially when Ryan is unable to get control of his ball. He tries SO HARD to push it up the hill but it just rolls back down, not one, not twice, but THREE TIMES. Eventually Ryan makes it over the hill but it’s too late since the blue and the red tribes have already won reward. Ali is discouraged by defeat, but says that she needs to keep close to Ryan, since she knows they have a tight alliance. This is what we refer to in the industry as “foreshadowing.” File that line away for later, folks!

Coffee talk! Desi says that the blue tribe put their differences aside when it comes to their shared love of the bean. While everyone gets buzzed off of that sweet, sweet java, Devon tells us it might be the time to make a big move and vote out Joe. Remember, Joe is crazy, but he’s also smart! You can’t be both! Devon tells this plan to Ashley, who thinks they can rope in Desi, too. Wait, that’s like your entire tribe! Over at the yellow tribe, Ryan apologizes for being about as useful as a snake in a piano. Ryan explains that he’s just not very athletic, and that he needs to cater to his specific skill-set, which is carrying your bags up a flight of stairs and maybe calling you a taxi to the train depot. It’s true that Ryan’s social game is his strong suit, which is fitting since an actual suit would make him look like a middle schooler in a production of Death of a Salesman. Ali says that the Hustlers tribe was just a group of losers, and she’s glad to be with a more functional tribe. Are we playing golf because I just heard someone yell FORE!-shadowing! Save that one for later, folks! Ali says that Roark is the best for their game, and that Ali trusts her to stick with them. Too many things to file away for later! We’re going to need a bigger cabinet! Over at the red tribe, Cole has got his arm elbow-deep in a jar of jam. Seriously, he looks like he’s about to Winnie the Pooh his whole tribe’s food supply. Never one to trust a redhead or an overgrown child, Lauren says that Cole’s eating has become a distraction to the tribe. Even Jessica (Jessica!) says that between Cole sharing their secrets and his not-at-all metaphorical appetite, she’s not sure if she can trust him. Wait, Jessica, are you saying that the man licking peanut butter off of his paw like some sort of fictional cartoon bear might not be the one? Jessica and Mike take this conversation to the well, where Mike has the inspiration to dig for an idol since that’s where Cole and Joe found theirs. Lo and behold, Mike digs up an idol. Congratulations to Doctor Mike, as a fellow PhD MD USB I can confirm that is an idol in your pocket!

Challenge time! In this Immunity Challenge, the Survivors need to drag three heavy bags of rice off of a boat and then push them through a small hole and then carry them over a balance beam and THEN knife them open to get three balls inside and FINALLY maneuver those balls up a wall maze. I imagine this challenge was originally a lot shorter before someone piped up and said “Well, what if there was a balance beam?” Balance beam or nah, this looks like a pretty tough challenge, but at least we get some Halloween-appropriate shots of the Survivors just ripping into those bags of rice. Step aside, Jason Voorhees! Turns out that Chrissy is just as bad at balancing as Patrick was at beanbag tossing, and she puts the yellow tribe pretty far behind. While the other tribes manage to complete their mazes, Chrissy stubbornly stays put at hers, and yet isn’t able to sink any of her balls. Truly a hero! Blue and red win, sending yellow to their first Tribal Council, and, for Roark, her actual first Tribal Council. Roark! You remember Roark! She’s a healer! Ali likes her! Her name sounds like it’s part of the title for the new Thor movie, called Thor: Ragnarok! In theaters November 3rd!

Chrissy says she has to make some friends, so she goes to Roark first. Never a better time to start! Chrissy says that she can work with Roark and it can be, “You, me and JP,” which reminds me of the classic 2006 Owen Wilson comedy, You, Me and Dupree. No joke there, I just like to mention You, Me, and Dupree whenever I can. Roark, to her credit, sees through Chrissy’s bogus stuff and says that she really wants to vote Chrissy out. Chrissy, meanwhile, tells JP that Roark has been considering an all-girls alliance, which isn’t even remotely the case. JP is about as smart as a pile of rocks so he believes this immediately. Ali, meanwhile, wants to work with both Roark and Ryan to vote out Chrissy. Ryan reminds us he’s the swing vote, which is a pretty good place to be for someone who just thirty minutes prior was unable to nose a ball up a hill. At Tribal Council it’s time for Roark to grab a torch, which I think is one of those phrases acting students use to warm up. “Roark grab your torch, Roark grab your torch, Roark grab your torch.” Tribal Council immediately turns into Chrissy versus Roark, with Chrissy explaining that they just started talking today and Roark questioning, hmm, why would that be? Chrissy also gets in with Ali, who claims that Chrissy never gave anyone else a shot at the challenge. From what we saw this is true, but Chrissy claims to have asked for help many times. I don’t know about you, but Chrissy doesn’t seem like the kind to ask for help. Chrissy says that she’s, “out here doing the best [she] can!” so thank goodness for that. It’s time to vote and, alas, Ryan’s weird alliance with Chrissy prevails and he helps to send Roark home. Roark, bring me your torch! Your torch, Roark! It’s a disappointing end to an uneventful episode. At least Ali seems fittingly upset. JP? JP’s just happy to be there, folks.

Speaking of being happy to be here, make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess has grabbed her glove and says she’ll be in right field “shagging flies” but she promises to come back long enough to send out the next mini team challenge. Next time on Survivor: Cole faints! Cole! You remember Cole! He’s the one who’s got a mouth full of jam! The jaunty music suggests that Cole will be OK, so fingers crossed and we’ll see you next week!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 4 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Survivors Weekly Points

Pool Players Weekly Points

Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! We’re knee deep into Fall and it’s time so sink into another episode of Survivor! Previously on Survivor, Chrissy and Ben were running the show for the Heroes, while Jessica and Cole were sharing special secrets for the Healers. Things weren’t so rosy for the Hustlers, where redheaded Patrick was feuding with softball fanatic Lauren. Patrick cost his tribe the challenge and they decided to send him packing. Don’t worry, nobody is going to try on his clothes! Instead we open at Challenge Beach where it’s time for -you guessed it (or you watched the preview)- a tribe swap! Tribe swap, tribe swap! It’s time for everyone to drop their buffs because these three tribes are changing into… three tribes! Since this show isn’t fun anymore the swap will be determined by random draw, which means we end up with a LOT of lopsided tribes. Most of these people haven’t met yet and it’s already time for their first reward challenge. The Survivors need to untangle a rope, pull a sled, and then solve a stand-up puzzle. The first tribe to finish, (and ONLY the first tribe!) will win peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as well as a big jar of peanut butter, a big jar of jelly, and what looks to be six or seven loaves of bread. Ah, yes, because when the tropical sun is beating down there is truly nothing more refreshing than a deliciously heavy PB&J. It is, truly, Peanut Butter Jelly Time. The new Red tribe works together surprisingly well, especially considering it’s the motley crew of Jessica, Lauren, Ben, Cole, and Dr. Mike. Also faring well is the new Yellow tribe with Ali, Chrissy, JP, Roark and Ryan. Not doing quite as well is the new Blue tribe, with Alan, Joe, Ashley, Desi, and Devon. Wait, you’re telling me a tribe with Joe AND Alan isn’t working well together? Well, they’re not! The Red tribe pulls off a convincing victory, even after a last gasp from the Yellow tribe threatens to squash their chances, just like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich stuck in the bottom of a backpack. “It’s a PB&J bonanza!” Jeff exclaims, as a cannon full of sandwiches goes off behind him.

New tribes! Oh, these tribes do have actual names, which are Levu, Soko, and Yawa. Please don’t ask me which is which! I do know that Ben thinks the switch has “shot him in the foot” since he’s now outnumbered by Healers. Don’t worry about it for too long, though, because it’s time for the PB&J bonanza at the new Red tribe. In addition to the sandwiches, each Survivor is given a bag of potato chips. Wouldn’t you know it, but one of those bags contains a secret advantage, and it’s found by none other than Jessica. Jessica the virgin has always been secretive about her bag so I suppose it’s fitting that–(‘That’s enough” – ed). Jessica’s advantage is that she can block someone from voting at the next Tribal Council. If her tribe doesn’t go to Tribal, she can block someone on another tribe from voting. “Somebody’s angel was like, ‘Bing! There you go!'”” Jessica excitedly tells us. Wait, I don’t get it. Was the angel using the popular search engine Bing? Is Jessica’s angel Chandler Bing from the popular TV sitcom Friends? Does Jessica sing the song about the dog “B-I-N-G- and BING was his name!” In any event, Jessica tells Cole about her advantage because OF COURSE SHE DOES. Cole, being leakier than a sinking ship, promptly informs Ben and Lauren of the advantage. “It’s like my olive branch,” says Cole, who clearly isn’t expecting that branch back! Over at the new Yellow tribe, Ryan reveals that he gave Chrissy the secret idol in the first episode. I had forgotten that happened! Chrissy wonders why Ryan picked her. Is it because she’s just so effortlessly charming? No. Is it because she reminds him of his mom? No. Is it because she’s from Jersey? No. Is it because she ralphed up her lunch at the first challenge? Bing! Meanwhile, at the new Blue tribe, Devon discovers he’s the key swing vote. Ashley is upset that she ended up on a tribe with Alan, the one person she did not want to be with. To be fair, she never met Patrick. Joe, being Joe, decides to take this time to stir the pot, by telling Devon that Ashley and Alan are gunning for him. This isn’t true, and Devon isn’t sure if he should believe it, but it’s also just Joe being Joe. Joe could be reading you the clock when you call for the time of day and you still wouldn’t totally believe him.

Over at the new Red tribe, Lauren spills the beans to Dr. Mike that there might be an advantage in the game. Dr. Mike thinks that Cole has it, so he goes to Jessica. Jessica is, like, what? She can’t believe that Cole betrayed her again. This causes Jessica to have some sort of weird moment where she blames herself for trusting Cole, and then wonders if she can EVER trust ANYONE ever AGAIN. Between the two of us, I’m starting to suspect Jessica might be a few crayons short of a full box, if you know what I mean. Immunity challenge time! In this challenge the Survivors need to maneuver a heavy stack of puzzle pieces over a table and then under a net before unlocking a second set of pieces and then completing a puzzle so that all the correct colors intersect. The Blue tribe actually gets out to the lead here, even though everyone is pretty evenly matched. Alas, Ashley does not prove herself to be the master of unlocking, and she sets the Blue tribe back while the others pull ahead. The Red tribe wins again, followed by the Yellow tribe. Back at the beach, Alan says that their loss was deflating. Oh no, a former NFL player talking about deflation! Nobody tell Roger Goodell! Devon tells Ashley that Joe said Ashley and Alan were targeting him. Ashley debunks this, and Devon admits that it did sound like he was being talked to by, “a used car salesman.” I feel like that’s giving Joe too much credit. I would not buy a used car from Joe! Desi sees Ashley and Devon hugging and tells Joe about it. Joe decides it’s time for everyone, and I mean everyone, to air it out before Tribal Council begins. It’s almost like he wants to have Tribal Council right there in the middle of the afternoon. Alan calls him out on this, because it’s absurd, and gets Joe to admit that he wants to vote out Ashley. Joe also isn’t really able to make a good case for why Desi should stay, pretty much throwing her under the bus. After this nightmare, Desi tells Joe that he needs to play his idol for her in order for her to feel safe. Speaking of feeling safe, Devon has found the secret advantage that was secretly gifted to him by Jessica. He doesn’t know what it is, and can’t open it until Tribal Council, but hit’s got to be something good, right? Right?

It’s time for Tribal Council, which begins with a big old “What happened?” from Jeff. Turns out having Alan and Joe on the same tribe is not especially harmonious, and this turns into the Alan versus Joe show. At one point Alan says that Joe is like a cliffhanger, hanging from a cliff! Devon knows he’s in the middle, and seems pretty stoked to be there. Don’t get too excited, Devon, because it’s time to vote and time to reveal your, uh, advantage. Devon reads it aloud in front of everyone, and it turns out that Jessica has blocked Devon from voting at Tribal Council. Everyone can still vote for him, he just can’t be the swing vote. That stinks! It’s time to vote but before the votes are read Joe does decide to play the idol for himself. With Devon not voting the result is a tie between Joe and Alan, sending Alan home with only two votes. Yikes. That’s a pretty rotten way to go! Farewell to Alan, who was a bad player who was at least fun to watch. Hopefully he’ll go somewhere where the coconuts can be opened with simply a straw!

Make sure to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is warming up in the bullpen but she promises to stop throwing sliders long enough to send out the next pool points opportunity. Next time on Survivor: they’re pushing balls around with their noses! Everyone is getting dirty! The game is afoot! There’s still so many of them left! Tune in and we’ll see you there!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 3 recap!

A full week and a day later… here’s the recap! I couldn’t let this one get away. Enjoy!

Remember Alan? He was in the NFL! Is he still in the NFL? Who can tell! Anyway about two weeks ago he got the crazy eye and stirred up some nonsense at Tribal Council, which didn’t really lead to much. Meanwhile, Joe and Cole found an Idol and “Simone was sent home.” I hope they use those rhymes every week! I’m particularly excited for “Mike took a flight” or “Joe was the next to go” or “Ryan said bye-bye…in!” Speaking of Ryan, it’s another Hustlers morning. In lieu of eulogizing Simone, Ryan and Patrick are trying on her clothes instead. “I look like Willy Wonka!” exclaims Ryan as he wears an oversized coat, but he does not sing or dance, so I’d say it’s more of a “Doctor Who.” Sometimes when someone is voted out of Survivor there’s a lot of anger and tears that night or the next day, and sometimes they have a yard sale of their possessions. I guess it’s not enough for Simone to be bad at the outdoors and voted out, she’s got to be ridiculed in the next episode, too. Ryan takes a break from trying on boots to say, in no uncertain terms, that Lauren is probably the next to go. Probably! In the shallow waters of deceit and betrayal Lauren and Ali make a pact to stick together. Lauren brings up again that Patrick misspoke at Tribal Council. “I have no idea what’s going on with Patrick” says Ali, a statement that could apply to just about anything Patrick says or does, including this moment, when he pretends that a rock is an octopus. He’s an idiot.

Heroic whales introduce us to the heroic Heroes beach. Chrissy and Ben are, “in the prime position!” Optimus Prime? Ben says that “seven days in, you could say that Chrissy and I are driving the train.” Do you really drive a train? Isn’t that what tracks are for? If they’re driving the train together, which one of them makes it go “choo-choo?” Alan, meanwhile, has got a lovely bunch of coconuts that he simply cannot open. I’ve seen a lot of dangerous things on this show, but Alan’s careless machete wielding makes me fear that this might turn into an accidental Friday the 13th situation. While Alan struggles with the coconuts, Ashley reminds us of her not-so-subtle feelings for JP, which can be summed up in the following quote: “Every time he comes out of the water with a different animal on his spear, something happens inside me!” No, you can’t script this show. However, Ashley can’t talk to much to JP because Alan already outed them as a couple. Turns out Alan was onto something after all! Ashley takes this frustration to Ben, and says that JP could be their puppy, “we could train him!” Family show, Ashley, Family show! Time to check in with the Healers. The Healers! You remember them! They win challenges! There’s Joe, and Cole, and Dr. Mike, and whatshername and the other whatshername and the other other whatshername. Oh, one of the whatshernames is apparently named Jessica, and Joe is worried that she’s getting too close to Cole. Joe, for his part, is “ cool and collective” a phrase he absolutely did not steal from a certain past Survivor. Joe thinks that Cole and Jessica could be dangerous together, saying, “The love bird disease is dangerous! It’s worse than the flu!” Speaking of disease here’s Cole and Jessica on the Love Raft, which is also the name of my favorite tune by the B-52s imposter group, the C-53s. “Love Raft, it’s a little floating place where we can fish together!” Jessica is smitten with Cole, but she doesn’t know what romance means because she’s a DISNEY PRINCESS wait, no, she said “virgin.” Congratulations? “We have a long time left together, I hope,” says Jessica, and that makes one of us! Cole decides to extend his romance by telling Jessica that he has other information. What other information? Indeed, Cole tells Jessica that Joe found the idol. This gains him a kiss on the cheek from Jessica, who tells us, “My kisses are very private.” Thank goodness Cole only told Jessica that someone else had the idol!

Hustlers! Ryan is nervous that Patrick is searching for the idol, which Patrick absolutely is. Remember how Dr. Mike was bad at this? Well, Patrick is impossibly worse, just wandering off from camp and sticking his arm elbow-deep into trees. Patrick tells us that he has “idol fever.” I’ve got it too! Also, apparently Patrick OWNS a MOVING COMPANY which, given his overall competence, I imagine he inherited in some sort of ‘Mr. Deeds’ scenario. Over at the Healers, we have another set of poor social skills, with Joe complaining that his food is raw. On Survivor. You know, the show where you eat what you can to survive. It’s in the name of the show! Someone named Desi says that Joe had some issues with the cooking, and that he chucks food he doesn’t want into the woods. That potato belongs to the forest now! Cole takes this moment to craft a plan to oust Joe with the idol, a plan that he first presents to snuggle buddy Jessica. But it’s not enough to just tell Jessica, Cole also spills the beans to Roark. This doesn’t sit well with Jessica, who thinks the decisions should be made by a “we.” Oh, and then Cole also tells Desi, too, for good measure. Now Jessica isn’t sure if blindsiding Joe is the best strategy. Don’t tell me she wasted a rare kiss for nothing!

Challenge time! In this Immunity and Reward Challenge the Survivors need to race through some obstacles, use sandbags to knock some blocks off of a ledge and then clan up their mess by stacking their blocks in a big old tower. The first tribe to finish will win not one, not two, not three, but four chickens. It’s cool that there are chickens on this show, but it would be nice if the reward was a different bird. Wouldn’t it be fancy if Jeff was like, “We got a bigger budget this year, I don’t know, here’s some quail!” The second tribe to finish will win a dozen unrefrigerated eggs, allegedly courtesy of the chickens. It’s time to find out who’s good at carnival games! Turns out that our friend Patrick is bad at both sandbag tossing and sharing. It’s a close challenge, but the Heroes win Immunity, thanks to a mistake by the Healers. The Heroes can’t decide on a victory chant, which is kind of endearing. After Patrick straight-up refuses to leave the throwing mat the Healers pull out a second place. For a tribe that wins a lot of challenges we really have not spent that much time with the Healers. I fear this will eventually be bad news for “Roark”! After the challenge it’s time for a Jeff Probst interview session. Patrick says it’s depressing that they have to go back to Tribal, while Lauren is refreshingly more realistic. “We’ve got to do it,” she says, before explaining to us that she’s been playing center field for twenty-five years. “I can hit a catcher in the forehead!” Lauren proclaims, and I hope she’s still talking about softball!

Hustlers day eight! Patrick sort of apologizes for hogging the challenge, but he doesn’t think that Lauren would have done much. This one really seems like a winner, folks. Upsettingly, the guys and Ali are on Patrick’s side, or at least that’s what they tell us. After they tell Patrick that he’s safe, Patrick decides to try and patch things up with Lauren to make sure she, uh, enjoys her time here. Lauren, incredibly, sees right through this, and calls Patrick’s bluff. “Redheads don’t do very well at lying,” says Lauren. Oh no, is this going to get uncomfortable? Lauren frets her frustration to Ali, who starts to seem to agree. Patrick, meanwhile, hits a tree against another tree for, I don’t know, reasons. Lauren next appeals to Ryan, saying he’s the oddball and she’s the old woman. Little known Hollywood trivia, the Oddball and the Old Lady was the original title of ‘Harold and Maude.’ Ryan and Devon take a walk and realize that they can dictate the vote. This takes us into Tribal Council, where Patrick one again sort of apologizes. “There’s a point where it could be my fault we lost the challenge” he says. You think? Lauren calls out Patrick for looking for the idol, and says that she’s never trusted a redhead a day in her life. Not even Ron Weasley? Patrick assures us that he can make people feel loved and comforted, which he has prove by, uh, annoying and alienating his tribe? It’s time to vote and in something of a surprise it’s Patrick who gets the unanimous boot. He’s shocked, and looks really upset on his way out. Goodbye to Patrick. Maybe you’ll find a tree to throw at another tree at Ponderosa! Next time on Survivor: we’ve barely met the entire cast and it’s already time for a tribe swap. Finally, a chance to see Desi interact with Roark! Wait, they’re already on the same tribe? You don’t say!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 3 update!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Pool Tribes Points

Hello, Pool Players! The updated Pool standings are above. We’ll be back on Sunday (probably!) with a full recap. Until then, you’ll just need to resort to telling strangers on the street how bad Patrick was at Survivor. He was so bad! Remember when he thought a rock was an octopus? Remember when he threw that tree at that other tree? Remember when he made Lauren admit her (possibly troubling) feelings about redheads? All that and more awaits! Until then, make sure to check out the Leaderboards to see where you stand. See you soon!

Heroes vs. Hustlers vs. Healers episode 2 recap!

Leaderboards

Pool Players Total Points

Going Out Order

Survivors Weekly Points & Pool Players Weekly Points & Pool Tribes Points

Ahoy, Pool Players! It’s a windy Wednesday and time again for Survivor! Previously on Survivor we asked ourselves who the heck are these people? Quick, name the Healers! Did you only get to four? I bet you forgot Roark! Also, Olympian Katrina was voted out after Financial Analyst Chrissy didn’t use the super idol that Bellhop Ryan gave to her. Don’t worry about all these names because it’s not important! ALSO, Alan caused a scene by implying that JP and Ashley were a super couple in control of the idol. That’s only half true, but it’s true enough for Alan to be proud of it! We return back to the Heroes beach, where nary a tear is shed for the booted Katrina. Chrissy tells us that her own position in the game is totally flipped, and now she has a useless Idol that can be used as a decoy. Alan says that Tribal was intense but that he achieved his mission of creating suspicion. Unfortunately, he seems to have just annoyed Ashley and JP who are TOTALLY NOT A POWER DUO so don’t even question it! Ben says that this tribe is, “like old paint” WAIT DO GO ON “because it’s cracked and fractured.” Ben really needed to dig down into the big old bag of similes for that charmer, eh? Look, I’m not saying Ben doesn’t know a thing or two about old paint, but maybe work on your analogies before you start playing the game.

Hustlers beach, Hustlers beach! Simone bats away some bugs while Ryan yammers on about “The Hustler Mantra,” which apparently does not involve listening to Rick Ross’s “Everyday I’m Hustling” on repeat. Ryan does inform us that he thinks Simone is weird, which, if Ryan thinks you’re weird it might be time for a good long look in the elevator mirror. Simone tries to fit in by taking a “aqua dump” and then reporting back to her tribe about it. Between you and me I think the show really missed a hashtag opportunity by not throwing up “#AQUADUMP.” The concept of the Aqua Dump is really ingenious because it’s something that you only see on Survivor, or at a pool party gone wrong. For her part, Simone tells us that she’s not used to, uh, being outdoors, and cries, “It’s hot all the time and there’s no air conditioning!” No air conditioning? What is this, a movie theater? On the other hand, as the #AQUADUMP proved, Simone is up to a challenge, and proves it by gutting a fish. Simone says that she knows she can be good at Survivor because she has ten brothers and sisters. I’m sure you’ve met them, there’s Simone, Simtwo, Simthree, The Sims 4, The Sims: Hot DateThe Sims 2: PetsThe Sims: IKEA Home Stuff PackSim City, Sim City 2000 and Sim Ant. Meanwhile, the pan flute of healing welcomes us to the Healers beach where Jessica is trying to catch a fish really really hard. She’s trying so hard! Alas it turns out to be “the worst game of cat and mouse” which doesn’t even make sense because you’re a human trying to catch a fish. Those are completely different animals! Jessica and Cole bond on the raft of romance while I try to think up a good name for them. Jole? Colesica? Cole slaw? Back at the beach we learn that Desi was Miss Virginia twice, once for Miss America and once for Miss U.S.A. What do you think her talent was? I hope it involved puppets! Mike and Joe goof that they should be on the beauty tribe, even though Joe tells Mike, hilariously, “you is one ugly dude!” All this fun at camp is seriously taking up time Joe could be looking for the idol, so he decides to sneak away while everyone is off and lo and behold he finds a clue. Interestingly, this clue is etched into the trunk of a tree, right underneath “ROB + AMBR 4EVER” and “RUSSELL STINKZ.” Joe thinks that the clue has to do with the raft, since it’s in the shape of a raft. Joe decides to tell Cole about the clue since Cole has spent the whole day on the raft, getting tan and hanging with Jessica, bro. Cole tells him that the clue is actually referring to the well, since they share the same symbol. Honestly this seems pretty obvious but Joe owns up to the fact that he probably wouldn’t have figured that out on his own. Cole and Joe dig by the well and get your Idol count ready because here’s one for Joe. I’m pretty sure every time a bald guy finds an idol on Survivor Tony gets another pair of wings.

Back from the break we get a very heroic JP taking care of business by catching a fish or something. JP tells us that he’s not super into drama and he’s not much for strategy, (“Then why are you here???”), but that he can play the game when he needs to. He decides to align, apparently, with Chrissy, who is looking for a new alliance. Chrissy exclaims that nobody would see the two of them working together, unless, that is, they’ve seen the second season of Survivor. Chrissy is actually making alliances with everybody and is playing them all, except for Ben, who she thinks is legit. A little folkiness and some old paint goes a long way! Over at the Hustlers, Devon is waking up with some mindful yoga while Patrick is doing some mindless yelling. Turns out that Patrick is actually a major doofus on pretty much all fronts. He picks up a crab and screams, not because he’s been injured but because he’s afraid of crabs. He’s also generally loud and annoying and seems to have difficulty controlling the VOLUME OF HIS VOICE. He’s described as a “Wild Banshee” which leads to the helpful hashtag, “#WILDBANSHEE” which is too cool of a phrase to be wasted on a dolt like Patrick. The Wild Banshee should be like a cool 80’s wrestler, or a cool 80’s lady punk band or a cool whiskey concoction that you regret before you drink it.

Challenge time! In this Reward & Immunity Challenge the Survivors need to dive down underwater and untie some puzzle pieces before bringing the pieces to land and solving a three-dimensional rotating puzzle. Three dimensions are cool, but when is Survivor going to have a true 4D puzzle? What is the fourth dimension? Smell-o-vision? Feel around? Will Jeff Probst come through the television like the girl from The Ring? In any event it’s too bad we lost Katrina before the swimming challenge but here we are! The Hustlers and Heroes get off to decent starts while the Healers tribe takes a while retrieving their pieces. Turns out that time wasn’t lost as Mike and Desi make pretty quick work of the puzzle and the Healers win another challenge. It’s down to the Hustlers and the Heroes and Patrick’s yelling can’t save his tribe this time. The Heroes win sending the Hustlers to their first Tribal Council. Everyday they’re hustling, hustling, and packing for a date with Jeff!

After their loss, Simone (of all people!) attempts to give a motivational speech. She’s no Rudy! Simone says that she knows she’s in trouble, but she’s going to try to “shape the narrative” by putting the focus on Patrick instead. Never one to be out of the spotlight, Patrick is seen chewing on a branch. Simone attempts to convince Lauren and Ali to vote out Patrick and they both seem on board. Ali talks to Ryan about it, who is a little more hesitant, but concedes that Patrick is both a loose canon and a leaky ship. At Tribal Council Ryan sets the stage by saying that it’s like the bad birthday party your mom makes you go to for the kid you don’t like and wait hold on, my apologies to “Ben’s old paint” because we have a new worst simile of the episode. Even Jeff Probst seems baffled by this analogy. Lauren chimes in and says that it’s more like a funeral. Can we settle on un-birthday? Simone says that if this were old-school Survivor they would just vote out the weakest members, but now it’s something else. Shaping the narrative? Old-school Survivor? SOMEONE has been listening to a few podcasts! Jeff asks Patrick if there is trust in the group, and Patrick immediately junks it up by saying “I trust most of the people here.” Most… of? This puts everyone on edge, and Jeff Probst hammers it home, desperate for something interesting to happen. Simone reminds us that Survivor is 100% real and, as I have often said, you can’t beat 100%. It’s time to vote and Simone is unceremoniously and unanimously removed, making her the second person voted out of the game. Adios, Simone! May the places you go be filled with air conditioning! I’m not really sure why you were playing this game to begin with and I don’t think you were, either!

Speaking of playing the game it’s time for you to click on over to the Leaderboards to see where you stand. The Pool Princess is still upset “Seal Team” isn’t about a team of adorable seals but she’ll set aside her differences long enough to send out the next pool point opportunity. Next time on Survivor: Cole knows Joe has an idol! Leaky ship, leaky ship! We’ll see you next week.